Oh, to be in love! Passion and thrills; feelings of warmth and excitement.; giddiness and drama. This type of love is bombarded at us in today's society. We see it in the movies, read it in books, and listen to it in music. This wonderful feeling of romantic love is theologically and philosophically known as eros. Eros is awesome and eros is good. It is the "feeling" of love. I totally have felt in love--not with an earthly man--but with God (big shocker there, for those who know me!) I have felt the whimsical whirlwind of dancing with Jesus (no, not literally, but it certainly felt like it). Those feelings of pure joy that are so marvelous, I think, "Oh my gosh! God is so awesome! I'm so happy, I literally think I'm going to die!" Those feelings of awesomeness are eros. Now, instead of speaking in theological terms, let's make it simple and call eros, feel love. Well, there is another type of love: agape. This love is not centered around feeling but is centered around choice. For our sake, let's call agape, choice love. Choice love is selfless love, the strongest love, and the most important love. It doesn't mean feel love is bad. Feel love is good, but love itself will completely diminish if there is no choice love. Moving back to the example of the feel love I've had with God: I said I've felt the whimsical whirlwind of dancing with Jesus. I've also felt like He's ditched me on the dance floor for another girl. I know it's a weird comparison, but seriously! It feels like He totally ignores me and no longer loves me! I can pray all I want, do cognitive behavior therapy all I want, get reassurance from others that He loves me, and still, I will feel like He doesn't love me. Notice a keyword I've been using: "feel." It feels like He doesn't love me. Yeah, it feels like God doesn't love me as water soaks through my shoes when stepping in a puddle or when all of the cafeteria food looks disgusting (to use minor examples). When these things happen on a "bad day," I don't feel all "lovey-dovey and "Yipee! I'm dancing with Jesus! We are living on Cloud 9!" Instead, I feel resentful toward God--angry, disappointed and sad. My friends, that is when choice love comes in. It's the type of love that loves, even when the feelings aren't there. Think of a husband and wife who are arguing. Do you think they feel loving? Probably not, but they choose to love each other anyway by remaining faithful, honest, and caring. In this same way, we as Christians are called to love God and love others even when we aren't feeling loving. Ever seen the movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl? There is this certain pirate named Captain Barbossa in the movie, who is going through life without feeling anything. He can't taste food or feel love. It's a curse: he can't feel and all he wants is to feel. Well, when the curse finally breaks, Captain Barbossa at last get's to say, "I feel..." but then adds, "cold" (See the picture of the pirate on the right). It's pretty funny, I think, and it relates to this whole concept of feeling love and choosing love. We can put so much work into feeling the feels of love, like Captain Barbossa, and eventually when we get that feeling...it's not always a good feeling. What do we do when love doesn't feel good? We turn to the deepest love there is: choice love. Now, to get more personal, I'll admit I've been going through a rough time. I often have intrusive and obsessive thoughts that God has rejected me and that He doesn't love me. Even scarier, I often have intrusive and obsessive thoughts that I've rejected God and that I don't love Him. This makes me feel confused, desolate, angry, and depressed. I tend to wonder what happened to all of the initial feelings of romance and joy that I had with God when I really started to like prayer as a child and teenager. I wonder why my mind has been clouded and twisted by my mental illness, particularly by my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. What gets me through the terrible, intrusive thoughts that God hates me? Those nasty feelings that come from the thoughts that I hate God? The answer is choice love. I choose to keep loving God and others--not close to perfectly--but I keep on trying. Feelings come and go, good days and bad days come and go. Thoughts come and go. My depression comes and goes. Choice love never leaves. This pure, concrete love--agape never fails (1 Cor 13:8). Now, feel love does return to me--it always does, even if for a little instant--the good feelings can return in the next hour, day, week, or year. But, choice love is with me to say. Choice love never withers and never fades. It's the love of God that remains strong. It is the love that Jesus has Himself, even as He hangs desolate on the cross. So, be careful with basing love on feelings. Because it's likely you may start feeling cold. Don't fret because choice love will stick with us through that cold. P.S. Here are some sources that I used to write this article: My dad, Deacon Chris--he's the one who first taught me that love is essentially a choice My theology classes in high school--thank you, Ms. Mansour and Mr. Dabney! Pope Benedict the XVI in his encyclical letter, "Deus Caritas Est." Fr. Ryan Mann--a priest who serves the Poor Clares and gave the sisters and I some classes on the teachings of Pope Benedict the XVI. P.S.S. Also, just to clarify, feeling love is totally awesome and amazing, Pope Benedict the XVI explained that feeling love and choice love work together. Both of them are essential to life. See his encyclical letter, Deus Caritas Est.
1 Comment
Chris Beltowski
10/25/2017 04:33:55 pm
As Mr. Terbrack told me, you have been anointed by God, you are so good at what you write. Keep up the great work!
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
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