Scripture says that: “a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10 Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. To put in my effort to prevent suicides, I am sharing a letter that I wrote during my own period of suicidal thoughts and ideation.
Beloved, Peace of Jesus Christ. I must tell you of the inspiration for this series of letters. See, I am currently in an episode of suicidal ideation. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. With this triple diagnosis, you may see why I am so likely to have suicidal thoughts. Dearly Beloved, I was just on the floor of my room. I was having a mental breakdown fighting temptations to end my life, that is, end my pain. I begged my guardian angel to assist me. I needed to take a shower, so I asked my angel to help me to the shower. My angel did help me, and while in the shower, my mind raged with thoughts of death and violence. My temptations were unbearable. In that moment, I said to Jesus, “Glory to You! Glory to You!” I cried to Him. I know He knows that I cannot control the flood of thoughts and desires. “You say that when I am weak, then I am strong, because of You. So be it, I am weak! Take this weakness and use it for Your glory! Take it and make this new and good.” As a passionate writer, it was easy for me to see what was Jesus was asking of me. See, I have a long history of suicidal ideation as well as self-harm. I have always wondered what is the key for a Catholic who has mental illness. I have asked God, why and how can a Catholic have suicidal thoughts and intense depression and anxiety. Is it not contradictory to love the Lord with all that I am and at the same time, long to end my life? Was it not Jesus who said to not worry? What is the secret? I wondered. For if I believe that God is good and makes all ills of the world good, then should I not see the good that comes from my mental illness? Dare I even say, my desire to kill myself? I thought I needed to wait for me to have a decade of sound health to find the secret. I thought that it would be a long process of prayer and wondering—theological searching and even private revelation. But, in that moment in the shower, when I glorified God in my utter weakness, the secret opened its lock. I realized, Beloved, that you are the reason I am alive. With Christ as my purpose and foundation, I pray that I imitate Jesus and His Blessed Mother in serving you. Get ready, Beloved. You, who knows suffering. Get ready, my dear one, whose pains and burdens are unbearable. Sit back and watch your Maker heal your wounds and conquer the forces that seek to end your life. As you have suicidal thoughts, I do as well. Stay with me Beloved, and I will stay with you as well. We are in this together. We are in this with God. God is good. May He be praised, now and forever. Your sister, Jacqueline I know there are some grammatical mistakes, but I wanted to show you the original letter. Living for "Beloved," (you), is what has saved me from suicide numerous times. I truly believe that living for the sake of another is the best way to keep yourself alive. I also believe in medication, therapy, hospitalization, and crying out for help. Writing letters to "Beloved" is a great coping skill for me. If you suffer from suicidal thoughts and urges, I ask that you live for me as I live for you. Your job right now is to live for the sake of others, while God gives you the grace. I also ask that you ask for help. Others, help Beloved get help! Check out my Mental Illness page for a start on resources.
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
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