Thirty Days Devotion During my last post, I wrote about my time at the convent. I was awed by the life of the Poor Clare nuns and the wonderful joy that they had. However, I was not sharing in that joy. Rather, I was torn and confused by my racing thoughts. My thoughts were obsessed with every little thing possibly being a sin and I was performing compulsory prayers and penances. Even though I was unhappy, I still wanted to "marry" Jesus with all of my heart (nuns are called "brides of Christ" since they give up marriage to man to live completely for God). “I’m going to pray a Thirty Days Devotion to St. Joseph,” I decided in February of 2015 as I knelt in the chapel of the Poor Clares. “By the end of it, I hope God will give me assurance that my vocation (my calling in life) is to be a Poor Clare!" I still had at least six years ahead of me before I'd become an actual nun, but I wanted peaceful assurance that the convent was where I was meant to be. All of the nuns talked about the peace they received from living the Poor Clare life. Since I wasn't feeling very peaceful, I thought I'd better bring this up to Jesus in prayer (and I could ask St. Joseph to pray as well). Now, the prayer for the Thirty Days Devotion to St. Joseph is very long. One says it every day for thirty (hence the name) days. I did it for the thirty days leading up to the feast of St. Joseph on March 19th. For the next month, prayer was the opposite of peaceful. I was disgusted with myself for not praying with perfect attention and devotion. At one point, I asked myself, “Am I depressed? Depressed like how I was in 9th grade? (See my blog post "Chapter 3: Jesus, Will You Marry Me?")” Remembering that depression is usually recognizable after a constantly “down” mood for two weeks or more, I thought, “Okay, I’ll see if this deep sadness persists for the next two weeks. If it does, then I really might be having a depressive episode. God, let that not be the case!" A Diagnosis It was the feast of St. Joseph. I had completed my Thirty Days Devotion and things were not going well. My thoughts were racing at an uncontrollable speed. I was terribly confused and extremely distressed. I cried a lot and was in a sort of shock as this thought entered my mind: God may not want me to become a nun. I denied it! It couldn’t be. Jesus asked me to go to the convent. I was perplexed that He may wish for me to leave. By this point, I knew I'd been feeling depressed for two weeks; a lot more than two weeks if I was being honest with myself. I had to tell my Novice Mistress. I told her and it surprised her because I seemed to hide it well. I also told her that going to prayer in the chapel was almost unbearable, I was so ashamed of my sinfulness. She called for Mother Abbess, who called for a psychiatrist immediately. Upon speaking to the psychiatrist, he quickly diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder. Major Depression is a mental illness that can have numerous causes (examples: a chemical imbalance in the brain, biological factors, social factors, etc.). It is recognized by a constantly depressed mood, low self-esteem, despair, anxiety, and inability to function. I asked Mother Abbess if she was willing to let me stay, even with the diagnosis. She agreed and made sure I started some medication. My depression only increased and my anxiety skyrocketed. My inwards felt like total chaos. My confusion was ringing like an alarm. I began to wonder if I could keep living this prayerful life with such dark thoughts and such a depressed mood. “Jacqueline,” Mother Abbess said to me after I told her more about my internal battle and that the medications were not working, “Perhaps this means that this isn’t the right fit, or at least, it isn’t the right time.” I cried, agreeing with her. Remember me hoping that at the end of my Thirty Days Devotion to St. Joseph, God would reassure me that this was where I was meant to be? Well, I got the opposite answer. My diagnosis of depression, the advice of my Novice Mistress and Mother Abbess, the advice of my psychiatrist, and my growing inability to pray, led me to finally surrender to the fact that this was not a healthy fit. It was April of 2015, and my parents were called. They drove the next day to come pick me up from the convent. I looked at Jesus one more time in the chapel of the Poor Clares. I left Him with a broken heart and complete bewilderment. I had no idea why He would ask me to go to the convent just to end up leaving it. What happened when I returned home? How did I get out of my depression? You'll have to stay alert for next week's blog post!
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
SpiritualityVocationMental ILlnessSeasonalADVENT LENT
Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
|