Bombarded With Love I'll explain the nun costume in a minute. First, let's imagine me as a baby since that is where I left off on my last post. As I mentioned in the prologue, God was planning to win my affection by bombarding me with His clever, persistent, and totally amazing love. He gave me a twin sister, fantastic parents, and an awesome family. Even when I didn’t know His Name, He gave me the warmth of my mom’s embrace and the calming voice of my dad. Everyone loves babies! I think that is not only because they are cute. I think that when we look at a baby, we look at them the same way God looks at a person. We see them as beautiful, full of goodness, and even if they cry outrageously or spit up on our clothes, we don’t hate them. In the same way, God sees all people as beautiful, full of goodness, and even if we cry outrageously or commit all sorts of wrongs, He doesn’t hate us. God loved baby Jacqueline, as He loves all people. Thank God for Parents My parents knew of God’s love for me, and they had experienced it personally. Therefore, they wanted to introduce me to this Great Lover. They baptized me into the Roman Catholic Church a few months after my birth. They claimed me as Christ’s, and before I could even understand their words, they told me about my Great Lover. I started to talk and I started to walk. I began to learn right from wrong, and I knew the name of Jesus. I knew Catholic prayers and I went to Church. I knew that God was love. My parents and catechists told me it was so, and I believed it was so. I was told that bread and wine become Jesus’ Body and Blood during Mass, and I believed it (See Eucharist in glossary page). I knew the words, prayers, and theology, but did I really know it. Did I fully understand the ridiculousness of what I was believing and the amount of faith it took? Did I know how marvelously incredible these teachings were? NO, NO, NO. Here is where some Catholics who are born into the faith explain that there was a big “aha” moment in which they truly became Catholics out of their own will and not their parents. They may have had a revelation/realization; when their knowledge of God became an experience; what they knew in their head, suddenly was known in the heart. They went from knowing ABOUT Jesus to KNOWING Jesus. This didn’t happen for me in one moment. Like many other Catholics, it was very gradual. I can’t pinpoint one exact moment for you in which I finally knew Jesus. However, I can pinpoint five hundred moments in which I knew Jesus more and more! Some moments stand out more than others, but I have up to dozens a day (I’ll keep sharing them as you keep reading this “book”). Some moments are when I look at the sky and am like, Oh God! You exist! Others are when I’m listening to a reading during Church and I suddenly think, So that’s what it means! Even those who have big “aha” moments can see moments in their past, where the love of God was pelting them and they didn’t know it, or they see how each day, they renew their devotion to Jesus and gradually grow in fervor and understanding. About That Nun Picture... My gradual growth in my relationship with Jesus started with a childlike interest in God. Think of a relationship between a man and woman—it starts off with interest, not vows, love, and commitment. I loved going to religious education classes and I enjoyed praying with my family. An all-loving God that we get to talk to whenever we want sounded pretty awesome. So, I went to church and I prayed. By the time I was in elementary school, I’d do fun Catholic things like naming my guardian angel (whose name is Sammy, by the way) and reading about the lives of the saints. Now, being a saint had a nice ring to it. I mean, becoming a famous person who does heroic acts and is known for their great virtue—who wouldn’t want that? I guess I was only thinking about canonized saints—the famous people. There are bazillions of saints who we've never heard of and don't have the title of “Saint” in front of their names. However, I thought, “I want to be a canonized saint. Famous and well-loved by people.” I wanted to do all of the great things saints did. Oh, and that included performing miracles, having visions, and being complimented all the time about how holy I was. As Catholics know, saints are not people who do great things and are famous. Rather, they are people who are so totally in love with God, that they allow that love to overflow from them. Clearly, I did not understand what being a saint was all about as I was missing the “love of God” part in all of this and turned it to “love of me.” Our dear God was likely thinking, “Oh, my little daughter, Jacqueline. She wants to be a saint. Yes, I will make her a saint, but it’s going to be a lot different than what she is planning. That’s okay. I gave her this desire for greatness. As she seeks Me, she will find Me, thus discovering the truth of Who I Am.” My head filled with fantasies. I was disappointed when statues of Jesus didn’t come to life for me or I sinned by being mean to my sisters. After all, saints have visions (please note my sarcasm) and know how to love their sisters! What could I do? How could I reach sainthood? I looked through my books on the lives of the saints. What did the great saints have in common? I ignored the fact that their love-filled relationship with God was what they shared and instead concluded that most of the saints were either priests or nuns. Now, I was in fourth grade and it was career day at school. That meant we got to go to school dressed as what we wanted to be when we grew up. Guess what I wanted to be? A nun. The picture at the top of the article attests to that. I wish I could say it was my immense love for God that originally inspired my desire to radically give everything to Jesus, but I was originally inspired by my desire to become an impressive saint. Did I truly know what being a nun meant? Nope. Did I even have a devotion to the Eucharist? Not even close. Jesus was okay with that. He was ready to take my desire for greatness by showing me Greatness Himself. Stay tuned for Chapter 2: KNOWING Jesus
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
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