The Poor Clares Nuns. Nuns. Nuns. During my middle school years, I definitely grew in my desire to be a nun. I had read a book titled, Break in at the Basilica, by Dianne Ahern. It was a fictional mystery about a nun who was a secret agent for the pope. In this particular book, St. Clare of Assisi (a woman from the 1200's) was introduced to me. St. Clare was a woman who gave up marriage, wealth, family, and power so that she could become a nun. She founded the religious order known as the Poor Clares. After reading about the Poor Clares in this book, I said to my mom, “I want to be a Poor Clare.” “Ok,” My dear mom said, “how about you write to them and see if you can be pen pals?” My eyes lit up. “Yes!” So, mom went on the internet, looked up the Poor Clares, and found a lovely community in Cleveland, Ohio. I wrote to Mother Abbess telling her that I really liked the Poor Clares. She wrote to me in return! This was the start of a series of letters exchanged between myself and the community. Mother Abbess answered my questions, encouraged my desire to be a nun, and gently listened to my account of the Lord’s call. I was absolutely delighted every time I received a letter from them. A prayer card was always included and usually some sort of brochure or booklet that described their way of life. Poor Clare nuns are beautiful. They go barefoot throughout the convent as a sign of their poverty and wear flowing black veils and simple brown habits. They wear a ring as a sign of their espousal to Jesus Christ and are cloistered, which means they only leave the convent for the occasional doctor appointment so they may instead, fully concentrate on prayer. Remember how I mentioned that Jesus is present in the Eucharist during my last post? Well, the Poor Clares have a deep devotion to the Eucharist. They live in the same house as Jesus Himself! They spend hours adoring Him and praying for the world. The more I read about these women while in middle school, about their radical, romantic way of living for and with Jesus, the more I wanted to be a Poor Clare. Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” My fantasies increased. St. Clare knew how to be a radical, great saint, and it was my goal to follow in her footsteps. She became a nun at eighteen like many other saints, so that meant I had to become a nun ASAP! Here is the thing: Nuns are women who “marry” Jesus. Jesus and a nun dedicate their lives to each other through vows the way a man and a woman dedicate their lives to each other through marriage vows. Now, if I was to marry Jesus, I needed Him to…ask me. I waited. And I waited. He didn’t ask me. Ok. Jesus wasn’t asking. “Jesus, will you marry me?” Laugh if you will, but I was completely serious. “I love You,” I said to Jesus, “You’re amazing! You’re my BFF and I want to spend all of my days with You. You love me--duh, Your Name is Jesus Christ—God Himself! Now, if we love each other like this, I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t get married!” This seemed to be a time that Jesus was silent when I talked to Him. Or…He was speaking and I didn’t like His answer of, “Jacqueline, Patience. Wait. We’ve been dating for a while now, but you’re still only twelve years old! I’m not going anywhere. I do wish to take you to an even deeper level of friendship, but you are not St. Clare. You are my Jacqueline. I will tell you when the time is right.” Yeah, I admit that Jesus did say that, but I did not like His answer. So, I begged Him some more. Now, I’m going to assume you’ve heard of the song, “Love Story” by Taylor Swift. If not, look it up. This song became my number one during my middle school years. The song is about Romeo and Juliet. Juliet’s dad tells Romeo to stay away from his daughter. Juliet asks Romeo to save her from her forbidding father and to run away with her. Eventually, Romeo sets things straight with the father and asks Juliet to marry him. I imagined myself as Juliet and Jesus as Romeo. My forbidding father was who I found represented God the Father. I figured that God the Father said that it was not yet time for me to marry Jesus, His Son. Yet, I begged Jesus to take me away from all of the fading stuff like money and clothes and let me run away and marry Him, so that I may have heavenly wealth and spiritual jewels. I awaited the day that Jesus would say, “Marry me, Jacqueline,” the way Romeo said, “Marry me, Juliet,” in the song. I played the song over and over again--just dreaming—no proposal. This continued into my high school years. Depression With all of these fantasies, I have to give you a quick review of a real illness that invaded my life. This will be a brief mention of it, as I will go more in depth in future blog posts. I was a freshman in high school when I was first diagnosed with depression. Why? I’ve asked that question a lot. I believe I was born with this illness in me, and that it was triggered by entering high school. I was mad at Jesus. I wanted to be His bride—why couldn’t I be His bride now? I was overwhelmed by bullying, swearing, and peers "sexualizing" everything. I felt like I was the only one who believed or cared about God, even though that was far from the truth. I felt like I was in hell, so I asked Jesus to take me to the convent since nuns live their heaven on earth. No religious order accepted fourteen-year-olds. I despaired. It felt like Jesus had left me; rejected and abandoned me. Yet, help was given to me by my sweet Jesus. God made sure to give me awesome parents who got me into therapy and I started taking medication. My dear therapist assured me, “Jesus is sitting right beside you, holding your hand.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was Jesus speaking through my therapist, “Jacqueline! I’m here! You can’t feel me, but I AM here! I AM speaking, even if you don’t recognize My voice! I AM before you, even if you don’t recognize My appearance!” I transferred to a small private school. Things definitely got better. I started laughing again, made friends, and I felt comfortable. Jesus was in the chapel at school, so I could always go to Him with any of my joys and sorrows. I had hope and I fell deeper in love with Jesus. My desire to be a nun was still there, and it also started to mature as I realized that I didn’t have to be a nun to be a saint. I knew I could get married and still be a saint, but I thought, "What woman wouldn't want the King of the Universe as her husband?" When visiting the chapel at school, I would look at Jesus in the Eucharist. “I want You alone! I really like this order of Poor Clares. They live 100% for You. What do You think about me entering the convent after high school?” Jesus smiled at me, as usual. I smiled back, forcing myself to be patient. “Only when You tell, me, though! I know I've asked You countless times, but I promise, I won't enter the convent until You ask me!” Stay tuned for Chapter 4 to read about Jesus’ marriage proposal!
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
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