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It has been five years since I officially started undergrad. I've been through amazingly easy times and definitely hard times. I'm ready, though. This spring of 2021. I get my Bachelor of Arts! When I graduated from high school, I gave a commencement speech. Here is a portion of it: "Get up, let us go." That is what Jesu said in John 14:31, "Get up, let us go." Those words always cause the Holy Spirit to stir inside my heart. I think that is because they are words of action.... Jesus has given us the command, "Get up," so that we may put into action all that we have learned. Let us go! Whether we become a doctor, teacher, religious, parent, or whatever, let us go out into the world and show others the awesomeness of God. Let us go, holding Christ close to our hearts. Let us go, continuing to climb the mountain and striving to get higher and higher! Let us go and make disciples of all nations. Let us go, so that we may enter the dwelling place that Christ has prepared for us in His Kingdom. Get up, let us go! Though this was written for high school graduates, I think it still applies to college graduates. It does for me, at least. I am currently job hunting and am seeing what doors God opens and what doors God closes. I do have my first novel coming out in a few months titled, Through Esther's Eyes. For more information, check out my new website, jacquelinestclare.com. I suppose I can describe my current place in life as from convent, to college, to career, or to consecrated or to come home to Christ! God bless you all! Thank you for reading! I am praying for you! 
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Who am I to choose between a diamond and a pearl? Between a lily and a rose? I cannot! Let my Beloved choose for me. Let Him polish the stone. Let Him prune the plant. Say my Beloved decides to give me a pearl. What pearl is it? Salt water? Exotic? Dark, white, or gold? Say my Beloved gives me a rose. It could be an old garden rose or a wild rose. Pink. Red. Yellow. White. I cannot choose one beauty over another. Each is beautiful, unique, and divinely made. So, my Beloved, let me find the vocation you have designed for me. And when I unwrap the gift of my vocation, may I truly live it!   The Mount of Beatitudes, just off the coast of the Sea of Galilee, Israel I was reading a book by Fr. Jaques Philip about maintaining peace. Oh, peace! It's what we all want, right? I looked at Jesus. I showed Him my hand that trembled from either anxiety or too much coffee, or both. Peace, Lord? School and studying, maintaining friendships, work, my trip to the Holy Land that is coming up, writing my blog, writing my novel, starting my garden, helping at home, wanting to help at my parish, and volunteer. How can I be peaceful? There is so much to do. Well, this book is giving me a lot of assurance. Jesus tells us to be like little children. So, a child tells her father that she got a splinter. She doesn't worry about getting the tweezers/needle or bandage. She just knows her father will take care of it. It still can hurt, but the Father takes care of it. It's like this with God. We need to be like little children. We have all of these problems, annoyances, and worries. They can hurt us, but we just need to let God pull out the splinter. He'll take care of it. Upon reflecting on this, I kind of demanded from God, Give me assurance. Now. Did I sound like a child pouting? Well, Jesus, You did say to act like a child... Anyway, I felt in my heart that God wanted me to read the Bible because that is His Word. So if I want assurance, Sacred Scripture is a great place to start. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?" Matthew 6:25 "Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil." Matthew 6: 34 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you..." Jeremiah 1:5 "You know when I sit and stand; you understand my thoughts from afar." Psalm 139: 2 "You shall be a glorious crown in the hand of the LORD, a royal diadem in the hand of your God." Isaiah 62:3 The Beatitudes (I will list the Beatitudes at the bottom of this article) Through these passages, He said to me, I will see to your studying. I will see to your work and money. I will see to your family; to your shaking anxiety. I will see to your health and success. I will see to your doubts and worries. I will see to your daily tasks; to your food, chores, and clothing. I will see to your beating heart. I will see to you, My work of art. I will see to all things my child; for I'm both your God and Daddy. Walk with Me. Walk with Me. Walk with Me. See, as you walk with Me, the blessings I give you. I give you heaven. I give you comfort. I give you the earth. I give you satisfaction. I give you mercy. I give you the sight of Myself. I give you My Fatherhood. I give you heaven. Does He say He will give us an "A" on that exam? That He will let us win the lottery? That He will heal every sore in our body? He certainly likes to give us these things, and He does, but He's more focused on the big stuff. Like...I don't know...eternal happiness? Haha! Yes! Satisfaction, comfort, and mercy! Look at the beatitudes. The first thing He promises is the kingdom of heaven and the last thing He promises is the kingdom of heaven. Not to mention all of that stuff in between! Hit me up, Lord. Your little child is ready for the promises of the kingdom! The Beatitudes “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land. Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3-10  I wrote the following draft in 2017:
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) tells me a lot of different things. It is a part of my therapy to write down the demands of OCD so that I can realize how ridiculous and impossible the demands are. Now, I warn you: All of the things that OCD says are not necessarily bad or wrong. OCD takes good concepts and makes them extremes. For example, it's a good concept to wash your hands. OCD takes that and pushes it to the extreme saying you must wash your hands every five minutes for at least a 30-second duration, or at least until it "feels right". Buckle your seat-belts. OCD has the stage. I should be walking ten miles a day for at least five days of the week so that I may become an advanced hiker. I should be helping at every event at church and on campus. I should volunteer at several places. I should be a week ahead on all of my homework assignments. I need to be discerning my vocation, and must thus record every slight movement of consolation or desolation. I should be constantly socializing and going to social events. I need to work on my blog, but also make time for writing poetry and I must write my novel at least an hour a day. I need to develop the ideas for my twenty + other novels. I should be filling out several scholarships. I should draw for relaxation as well as create masterpieces for others. I should lose weight--no less than twenty pounds. I must not eat an ounce too much, lest I be gluttonous. I should be performing several penances. I should be fasting weekly (if not daily), and denying myself constantly. I have an endless list of books I should be reading, at least for a few minutes every night. I also should not get a minute over eight hours of sleep, lest I be lazy, and must spend every waking minute being productive. I should be involved in many more student organizations on campus. I must go daily to Mass and Adoration,, pray at least morning and evening prayer of the Divine Office, pray the rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, several devotionals, read several spiritual reads, and do the stations of the cross, at least fifteen minutes of mental prayer, and several other prayers (Did I mention that this all must be done daily?) I also must pray the Angelus at the 6th and 12th hours of the day and must set time aside to pray at the 3rd hours of the day. I should never spend any money unnecessarily. I must give to every homeless person I see, and should give away over 10% of what I own. I shouldn't have anything extravagant or luxurious. I must wear my clothes until they fall apart. I must love every person I see with great intensity. I must pray for every single person I come in contact with and must remember everyone's names. I must never complain, be grateful, humble, disciplined, diligent, loved by everyone, and must never have any feelings of pride, anger, self-pity, or depression. I must do all of this perfectly. I also should be extremely happy while doing all of these "shoulds" and "musts". I should feel joyful and laugh and smile through it all and be ecstatic that I'm suffering with Jesus. It's a lot, right? And I'm just scratching the surface. I could write a series of books on all of the demands that OCD presents. No wonder this can lead to depression, eh? I am told to do all of these things. I try to do at least some of them, and I do them imperfectly. Then, I get depressed because I just can't do it. Thankfully, I'm currently in a very good place this year of 2021. My OCD is not bad and thank God, I'm not depressed! All praise to our good Lord, who heals our ills.  My first day of college, joining my twin sister Callie at CMU! As I reach my final days of college and this blog is titled, "From Convent to College," I thought I would share with you some final posts. Many are drafts of posts that I wrote sometime between 2017 and now.
It felt like a pile of worms had been dumped into my stomach. I forced down a sip of water on the hot, August day. Too nervous to listen to music, I turned off the car radio. There it was. Central Michigan University. My parents drove behind me in our other family van, containing my twin sister's (she also went to CMU) couch and other supplies for my dorm room. It was 2016. A year ago, at this time, I was in the emergency room for suicidal ideation. Two years ago, at this time, I was preparing to enter a convent. With those experiences behind me, I was now a 19 (almost 20) year-old freshman in college, but those experiences were ingrained deeply in me and would influence my actions. I drove toward the freshman dorms. Social anxiety attack! Look at all of those people! Cars were everywhere. People were everywhere, carrying and wheeling their things into their dorm. College student now. Ok. I can do this. I fiddled with my t-shirt, instead of the hospital gown I had grown accustomed to during my emergency room stays. I patted down my hair which wasn't covered with the little white veil I wore at the convent. Jesus, I'm so happy You're here on campus. He was pretty happy too. The Catholic church was less than a ten-minute walk from my dorm, right at the center of campus. I'm telling you, transitions are so much easier when you have your best friend beside you, especially when your best friend is the Best Friend. It was time for me to participate fully in the world. Previously, I was in a cloistered convent, which is totally separated from the world. Then, my hospital stays had me pretty isolated from the world too. College though--public college--was a step into the world. Some of it was great and some of it freaked the life out of me (still does). School. Food. Drink. Money. Make-up. Clothes. Media. Sex. Music. Netflix. They aren't in themselves bad things, but they can definitely be abused. Now, for a girl with scrupulosity, this is pretty scary stuff to encounter. Not to mention the swearing, extreme political views, crude humor, and outrageous dress. I've gotten past most of my naïve shock to such things. I used to cringe every single time I heard the Lord's name taken in vain. Sometimes I still do, but I've grown used to it. Things like that have been unpleasant, but there are some really pleasant things I've discovered on campus. I already mentioned Jesus and a nearby Catholic church. The community there was top-notch. They were super accepting and the friendliest people I knew. The church had Mass, adoration, social events, speakers, service, food, recreation, and formation. And it's really pretty on the inside. Ok, besides the church? The library is pretty nifty--you can even rent out a private study room! There is always a coffee shop nearby. The chalking on the ground is fun to read and keeps you updated (when it's not snowing). Oh, yeah...and the reason why I'm here...school. I began with just some basic general education requirements, but I've already learned so much and discovered so many things--it's incredible! I've never studied sociology, geology, or psychology before. I've never taken a backpacking class either, until now. I look to Jesus and say to Him, Hey, education is pretty cool. He smiles and agrees, but isn't surprised when I look to Him the next day and say, Hey! I'm pretty sure my professor personally hates me. Also, is it humanly possible to finish all of this homework? The pile of worms in my stomach has squirmed away for the most part. I still get super nervous over different things socially, academically, and situation-ally, but I've adjusted well to college. With the exploding love of the Holy Spirit, Jacqueline  My Child,
I did not make you to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Your heart aches for love. I will take your stony heart and give you a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). I will open your eyes that are blind, my child (Isaiah 42:7). Keep your heart pure and you will see Me (Matthew 5:8). Come and see, beloved child (John 1:39). See that all may reject you, but I will never forsake you (Psalm 27:10). So too, I am also not alone (John 8:29). I am in constant communion with the Father and the Holy Spirit (John 14:10). Even on the cross, I was not left alone. My mother and My apostle John stood by me (John 19:25). Repentant sinners were with Me (Luke 23:43). Comfort! Comfort to My people (Isaiah 40:1)! I tell you, child, be not afraid. It is I, do not be afraid (John 6:20). You don't need to be afraid. Step up, take your pallet, and walk around (John 5:8). When life reaches what looks like a terrifying cliff, do not hesitate. Step up. I go before you (Deuteronomy 31:5). Do not have an unbelieving heart (Hebrews 3:12). You will either fly on the wings of eagles or fall into My arms (Isaiah 40:31; Psalm 91:11-12). So, I say it again. Be not afraid (Joshua 1:9). Arise. Step forward (Genesis 13:17). I go before you. (Isaiah 45:2). Again! Again, I say it. I repeat. You are not alone. I am with you always, even till the end of the age (Matthew 28:20). Be not afraid (2 Chronicles 20:15). I am the Word. The Word made flesh (John 1:1). Look to My Word. Look at the scriptures and see that I comfort you and take you into My arms again and again and again. My precious child (Psalm 127:3). Say My Name (Philippians 2:10). I will open your ears (Isaiah 30:21). They have become so familiar with the words of "love," and "God," that you can forget what they mean. Hear Me; My words of comfort and consolation (2 Corinthians 1:6). Hear Me. Again and again, I say to you, to never be afraid (Proverbs 3:25). The world may be chaos and your insides may be chaos, but I am Your rock and Your shield (John 16:33; Psalm 18:2). Know that I am the Lord of all. Follow My voice (Exodus 14:18; John 10:27). Again, yes, again. Be not afraid (Ezekiel 2:6). You are Mine (Isaiah 43:1). You are loved. Take these words and let them sink into your heart (Deuteronomy 6:6). Abide in Me and I in you (John 115:7). Be not afraid (Matthew 17:7)!  I was visiting Jesus in a chapel a little while ago. The typical guidelines were required including wearing a mask and staying six feet apart from others. I wanted to spend a whole holy hour with Jesus, but as I sat there, I was sweating and having trouble breathing with my mask. I also had poison ivy, so I was trying not to itch that.
Well, as Jesus took in all of my minor sufferings, He asked me to look at His minor sufferings as well. See, we all focus on the big pains Jesus had at the crucifixion, such as the nails in His hands and feet and the crown of thorns. Yet, during my discussion with Jesus, I came up with a whole list of things that could have potentially been a part of His passion that I don't even think about. Some may sound silly, but Jesus was fully human and experienced our minor pains as well as our major pains. Here is what I came up with:
And that was just the physical alone. I'm sure you could add to the list. Any little pain or itch or compulsion or annoyance can bring us closer to the crucified Jesus. Let's remember that especially during this strange year of 2020. There are those suffering the major pains of COVID19, racism, religious persecution, and natural disasters. Then, there are those who are suffering the more minor pains, like me. Whatever the gravity of the pains may be, look to the crucified Jesus.  At the convent, all of the postulants and the novices have what is called a Novice Mistress. The Novice Mistress is, as her title states, the mistress of novices. In other words, the Novice Mistress is the nun who helps the new-comers to adjust to their new way of life.
My Novice Mistress was amazing. In a sense, I saw her as my guardian angel. When I started praying the Liturgy of the Hours with the sisters, she helped me know what page to turn to. She taught me the different ways to kneel, how to walk in procession, how to clean properly, and even how to eat properly! She helped with the communication between me and my family according to the Poor Clare life. She would talk to me privately about any troubles or concerns. She taught me how to do the laundry, the ironing, the dishwashing, and every little thing, from how to properly address Mother Abbess to how to eat bread without wasting a crumb. I was to call her "Dear Mistress," which sounds strange to the modern tongue. It took me a little while to adjust to the old fashioned title. While at the convent, I learned that Dear Mistress had pancreatic cancer. She was ever positive and hopeful despite her illness. But she certainly suffered. I left the convent in the spring of 2015. Dear Mistress passed away this spring of 2020 from her cancer. Her Poor Clare sisters say that she died in peace and happiness. I know we have a saint in heaven. I will always remember her and her devotion to the Blessed Virgin. I'll remember the love of Christ that she showed me and the smiles that we shared. I'll remember her concern for me, which was like that of a spiritual mother. I invite anyone who may be discerning religious life to ask my Novice Mistress, Sr. Christiana, to pray for you. I think she'll continue her good works of helping the new nuns in heaven just as she did on earth.  I realized that I'm becoming sloppy and lazy when it comes to watching Mass online. I mean, I'm in the comfort of my own home, so I wear sweats, no makeup, and no contacts. I don't even need to prepare for Mass. That is, I don't need to get ready and drive to church. Instead, I can sit on the couch with my phone, drinking coffee until the very minute Mass live-streams on my computer.
Ever heard that the more you put into Mass, the more you'll get out of it? Well, this weekend, I felt inspired to put more into Mass. I went to a Saturday night vigil Mass. I dressed up as I typically would for a Sunday Liturgy, complete with hair and makeup. I took a few minutes before Mass to sit quietly and pray in preparation. My dad, thankfully, is very good at setting up "pews" out of chairs and an "altar" out of a TV tray in our house. Even though I wasn't able to receive the Eucharist, I still fasted for one hour before Mass, so my body and heart would be in the right disposition. See, Mass is a wedding feast! And the Church is the Bride. As a part of the Church, I also am a bride. And though I am attending this great wedding spiritually and not physically, and there is no tangible action in my Livingroom besides a little computer screen, I need to be ready for Jesus, the Bridegroom who will come at any moment. And I literally don't want the Bridegroom to find me sleepy and sloppy. I want him to find me ready, alert, and vigilant. Quarantine is not an excuse to let down our guard. In fact, when this pandemic reminds us of "the end times," we have all the more reason to be ready and alert for the second coming of Jesus Christ. Jesus says in a parable, "The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a marriage feast for his son, and sent his servants to call those who were invited to the marriage feast, but they would not come." Matthew 22:2-3 So, that part of the parable is for those who are invited to Mass but don't attend. Eventually in the parable, the king tells his servants that "The wedding is ready, but those invited were not worthy. Go therefore to the streets, and invite to the marriage feast as many you find." Matthew 22:8-9 We Mass-goers are the ones who accept the invitation to the marriage feast! "But when the king came in to look at the guests, he saw there a man who had no wedding garment; and he said to him, 'Friend, how did you get in here without a wedding garment?' And he was speechless. Then the king said to the attendants, 'Bind him hand and foot, and cast him into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' For many are called, but few are chosen." Matthew 22:11-14 Now, I'm not saying you're going to hell if you wear sweats to Mass. I'm saying that we shouldn't let quarantine and isolation be a time to let our guard down. I'm saying that our physical readiness can reflect our spiritual readiness. So, how did going to Mass with this disposition go? It was a challenge with the dog walking around and barking and it's weird still being in the comforts of the Livingroom. But I felt like I was stepping into the great wedding banquet of the King, and Jesus was there, celebrating with me and the whole Church. It was easier for me to enter the great mystery of the Mass because of my dress and because of my preparation. Here is my challenge for you: Prepare yourself for the wedding feast--even if you're watching it online. It is a way for us to keep holy the Sabbath day and further enter the celebration of the Mass.  What the Holy Sepulcher looks like on the inside (part of it). That intricate building inside a building is where Jesus' EMPTY tomb is Happy Easter! As we are still in the octave of Easter, I thought it would be appropriate for me to share with you an experience at Jesus' tomb. I was on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land in 2017. It was the last day of our trip and we were going to the Holy Sepulcher--the church that covers where Jesus both died and was buried.
Now, there is one part of the church that is upstairs. It's Calvary, the place where Jesus died. Downstairs, just a little away from where Jesus died, is a very highly decorated structure that covers the tomb. Let's just say, it does not look the way it looked 2000 years ago. But, that didn't really bother me, because it was still the holy place where my Beloved died for me and rose for me. We had to wait in line to get inside the small tomb. It took an hour and a half of waiting and I think our little group prayed like three rosaries in a row, which is a valuable way to spend time waiting! Finally, we got to go inside the tomb, but we had to really quick. They were actually just about to close it up! Well, I bent inside, knelt before the stone slab where Jesus once lay. I kissed it quickly and when I raised my head, I was shot with an indescribable joy! What was this joy for? "He is not here, for he has been raised just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay" (Matthew 28:6). So, I had that verse repeating in my mind as well Matt Maher singing "Christ is Risen." I just laughed out loud because Jesus really was not there! I felt like one of the women in the Bible, who went to the tomb, looking for Jesus, and didn't find Him there! Of course, He was not there! He is alive! Maybe it doesn't sound so amazing and hilarious to you, but that really struck me. It was just pure joy over the resurrection. I remember that moment fondly as I pray and praise and talk to Jesus during this Easter week. What a gift, huh? Praised be Jesus Christ! He is risen from the dead! "Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Oh Church, come stand in the light. Our God is not dead. He's alive! He's alive!" |
AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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