My parents wrapped me in their loving arms! My family welcomed me home from the convent in April of 2015, willing to help me with whatever I needed. I got a job at a greenhouse within my first week back, and I was just going to give myself as much time as I needed to sort out "my life". It felt really challenging to sort out my life without some help from Jesus. I asked Him for help, and I'll be honest, I thought Jesus had stopped speaking to me, but He was always speaking through the encouragement, concern, and help of my family and friends. So, I was working full time. And my depression did not go away. It got a whole lot worse! I was very hurt and confused about why I had depression and why I left the convent. I thought God had rejected me. I despaired. Work actually stopped suddenly for me because I had to go through some intensive depression treatment. Thank the Good Lord that I received another diagnosis! It's called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD). This diagnosis was a blessing from God! When I realized that I had OCD, I was able to get the proper treatment. Some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and medication can help with depression, but I needed treatment for my OCD. Quick OCD lesson: OCD attacks the things that a person holds as important. Think if you have OCD and health is really important to you. Your OCD may manifest itself through obsessions related to cleanliness (and thus cause you to perform a compulsion like hand-washing). For me, my faith is super important to me. That is why my OCD manifests itself through obsessions related to sin and morality (and thus causes me to perform compulsions such as repeating prayers or performing penances). This obsession with sin and morality is a sub type of OCD known as scrupulosity. Now, anyone can have a scruple. Say you pray and the thought occurs to you that you were not paying enough attention while saying the prayer. The scruple is worrying that you may have sinned by not paying enough attention. Most people will just shrug this scruple off their shoulder. Oh well. They may think. No one can pray perfectly. Or. I'll try harder next time. God understands that I can't always be 100% attentive. This is not so for a person with scrupulosity! Scrupulosity causes a person to obsess and worry that they are a terrible sinner! They will sweat and wonder if they are going to hell. They may think that if they really loved God and cared about others, they would be able to pray with complete attention. These scruples become diagnosed as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when the scruples lead to compulsory behavior. For example, I will repeat a prayer until I think I've said it with 100% attention, I'll scold and punish myself for my "sinfulness", I'll repeat phrases to God about what a terrible sinner I am and how desperate I am for His mercy, and/or I'll go to confession and even possibly re-confess my "sin" during later confessions. The anxiety caused from these obsessions never fully goes away after performing the compulsions. Compulsions lesson the anxiety slightly but then return with even worse anxiety and an even greater need to do more compulsions. Yikes! No wonder why I was depressed! Every action, every thought, and every prayer were sins and I would repeatedly try to make up for it, sin again, and try to make up for it. It goes in this never ending cycle, that only gets worse if not treated. My parents were ready to do anything to get this treated. They wanted to see their daughter Jacqueline talking again! Not the voice of OCD! Treatment did include hospitalization, and I'll probably get into that with later blog posts. For now, know that I started getting better. I began what is known as Exposure and Response Prevention. It is a therapy that treats OCD. With a therapist, I do exposures, which is exposing myself to my worst fears (for example: saying a prayer while distracted) and then I don't respond to it with compulsions (for example: repeating the prayer, scolding myself, etc.). Instead, I just sit with the anxiety of being a "distracted pray-er" until my level of anxiety goes down. Now, it also took finding the right medication, regular cognitive behavioral therapy, support from my loved ones, group therapy, companionship with others who suffer from OCD, finding coping skills, and pet therapy to get me feeling good again. I firmly believe that this was all Jesus in action, taking care of His beloved! As for all of those articles I posted about me "marrying" Jesus (nuns are called "brides of Christ" because they give up marriage to a man to be with God)? Did Jesus actually not ask me to marry Him since I didn't end up becoming a nun? Did Jesus call off the "wedding" and tell me to go to college first? Read the answers in next week's blog post!
1 Comment
12/4/2023 01:37:30 pm
Talking to a specialist psychotherapist or psychological counselor and getting support will help you discover yourself, understand your emotional state and notice your inner changes. You can clarify your goals, desires and goals in life by determining them and ensure that your quality of life increases.
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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