In a word, the day I consecrated myself to Mary was enamoring. I'd go so far as to say that it was the greatest day I spent at the Poor Clare Monastery. Now, I was away from my own biological mother. You see, cloistered nuns live inside the monastery and they rarely leave the monastery. Loved ones only visit occasionally so that the nuns may fully invest in their vocation. Though religious sisters are happy to live in the same house as Jesus Christ Himself, they are still full of human qualities! Understandably, it is super common for sisters to be homesick as they adjust to the cloistered lifestyle. When I was there, I was definitely homesick. I was missing my mom's guidance, advice, affirmation, and love. Of course, Mother Abbess was present to me and loving. So was my Novice Mistress. Actually, all of the sisters had mother-like qualities toward me. Whether it was rubbing my shoulder when a sister passed from this life to go to Heaven or giving me compliments and words of encouragement during recreation. Though they helped me, I'm sure you can understand that it did not cure my homesickness and longing for Mom. My mom. One thing you'll notice about Catholics is that they give Mary, the Mother of God, a lot of attention. To be completely honest, that always had unsettled me. Why would I willingly choose to talk to Mary, a human who is not divine, when I could talk to Jesus instead, Who is God Himself? Jesus is God and Mary is not. Therefore, I go to Jesus. Not to Mary. Yet, the Poor Clares clearly loved Mary and had quite a devotion to her. So, I decided that there was something I was missing. If the Catholic Church honored Mary so clearly, then I needed to understand why. I recall looking at a statue of Mary in the choir (or, chapel) of the monastery. The statue was right in front of my stall and I would look at her and say, "Alright, Mary. If you are so great, show me. If devotion to you is so important, help me realize why." Then I added, "And I ask this by the power of God--not you! I worship Jesus--not humans." My friends, God answers prayers. He especially answers the prayers of His own Mother. Therefore, when Mary took my prayer and gave it to God, God was sure to bombard me with the wonders He works through Mary. "Alright," I decided after further pondering and prayer, "I'm going to read a book about Mary. That will probably help me." I looked at the Mariology (yes, there is such a thing as Mariology and it is super lit) section in the monastic library. Obviously, every Mariology title had "Mary" in it and it made me really uncomfortable. True Devotion to Mary, one of them was called. I picked up the book and blew out a breath. I wanted devotion to Jesus--not Mary! I put it back on the shelf. God probably sighed. I had just picked up the perfect book. That was okay, though! God works with us! Another book caught my eye that was pretty old looking. It was small and I actually don't remember the title verbatim. All I remember was seeing the name, "Jesus" beside Mary. It was something like, "Devotion to Jesus Through Mary." Well, I was a lot more comfortable with Jesus over Mary, so that seemed like the book for me. Turns out, as I started reading the book (I'll call it the Jesus Book), it was a companion book to the first book I had picked up, True Devotion to Mary (I'll call it the Mary Book). So much for avoiding the Mary Book. Things fell into place pretty quickly and I was "wowed." I learned that giving attention to Mary never takes away from Jesus. Every time we say, "Mary," she says, "Jesus." I came to understand that Mary is indeed God's creation--God's beautiful creation. She is a humble woman who has been glorified by God. She shows us how to respond to and love God, and that is to say, "yes," to Him. God does all the big powerful stuff like a virgin conceiving a son. All Mary has to do is say "yes," to His will and let Him work fully in her. And look what happens when she lets God work through her. God (Jesus!) resides inside of her. God doesn't choose the Temple of Jerusalem to reside in--He chooses to bless the womb of a woman! Eve, in the Garden of Eden, cast God from her, bringing sin into the world. Mary, welcomed God into her, bringing Jesus Himself--salvation to the world. I became enthralled and fascinated by Mary. I started asking for her intercession and I found my peace and joy deepening. Prayer was easier and though life at the convent was hard, I felt like I had a person who understood all that I was going through and was there to help me through the good and bad. She was a heavenly cheerleader, an active fighter in my spiritual battles, and a perfect model of femininity. As I kept reading my Jesus Book, it told me about the Mary Book. The Mary Book contained a formula for "consecrating" yourself to Mary. It wasn't just some prayer that you said and that's it. No. It was this long retreat-like process of prayer and reflection, to prepare yourself for consecration to Jesus through Mary. 33 days to be exact! This consecration included giving Mary all of your good works and spiritual possessions. Let me tell you something. With OCD, prayer at the monastery was a particular challenge. There were so many people to pray for and I took it as my full responsibility to pray wholeheartedly for each and every request. Whenever I prayed, performed a little sacrifice, or did a good deed, I was the one who had to "offer it up" for a certain person. It was my job to decide when and how hard I had to pray. Then came these Jesus and Mary books. They told me to give up all of my good works and intentions to Mary. I still had to pray, do penance, and good works, but she was the one to distribute the merit of those good works. When I finally consecrated all of my spiritual goods to Mary, I found so much relief! It was no longer my responsibility to get myself and the world to heaven! Instead of my compulsions in which I would write down each prayer intention and tally how many Masses and rosaries I offered up for them, Mary took that role. My scrupulosity tells me I have to pray the rosary with perfect devotion and meditation. It tells me that if I do a good work with imperfect love, then I will go to hell. Mary smashes that lie with her heel. I am consecrated to her and she is the one who makes my prayers and good works perfect for Jesus. St. Louis de Montfort (the author of the Mary Book) says it's like a poor servant gifting an apple to a king. It's a pretty pitiful gift. But, when the queen's mother takes that apple and puts it on a platter of gold, presenting it to the king herself, it becomes a beautiful offering. Mary is the quickest and easiest way to get to Heaven. It was January 1st, 2015, Solemnity of Mary Mother of God. At last, after 33 days of preparation, before the heavenly court, I, Jacqueline Rae, took Mary as my Mother. I renewed the vows of my Baptism, renouncing Satan and his works. I chose to give myself entirely to Jesus Christ, carrying my cross after Him for all the days of my life. I consecrated to Mary, my body and soul, my goods, both interior and exterior, and even the value of all my good actions, past, present, and future, leaving to Mary the full right of disposing of me, and all that belonged to me for the greater glory of God. It was totally my best day at the Monastery! "For we never give more honour to Jesus than when we honour his Mother, and we honour her simply and solely to honour him all the more perfectly. We go to her only as a way leading to the goal we seek - Jesus, her Son." St. Louis de Montfort, True Devotion to Mary, 94 Also! If you are interested in consecrating yourself to Mary, there are many ways! I would recommend the book, 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley as it is a sort of "modern" method of consecration. Of course, True Devotion to the Mary, by St. Louis de Montfort is a classic one too--it's just an older style.
3 Comments
What do you want? What do you want? Think. What do you want? Think. Think deep. Think deeper. Deeper. Deeper. What do you want Him to do for you? Deeper. Deeper. Search the deepest yearnings of your heart. Jesus doesn't want to just give you a little thing. He wants to give you BIG stuff! Jesus asked me this same question. "What do you want me to do for you" (Mark 10:51)? "Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete" (John 16:23-24). "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you. By this is my Father glorified, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples" (John 15:7). When I looked at my actual desires, I was like, "Wow. Winning the lottery, getting a mansion, and becoming famous is probably the most pathetic thing I could ask for! That is so small! That is so, so, small! That is the wimpiest gift ever! Why would the God of all goodness want to give me such a minuscule gift as fame and fortune?" What do I want? I crave relationship. I crave community. I crave acceptance. I crave fulfillment. I crave perfection. I crave enjoyment. I crave unending happiness. I crave beauty and awe. I crave the most unfailing, and the most ardent, and the most extreme, and the most unconquerable love! Why would God give me a mansion? That is not what I want! What I want is God. I want Him! He is the fulfillment of all my desires. In Him, I have relationship. God could just be God the Father--but no! He Himself is Communion. He is One in Three Persons! He is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! He is family. He is acceptance. Every desire in me that yearns to be esteemed and loved and valued is good. God would not give me the desire for acceptance if He could not fulfill that desire completely. He made me for Him. My cravings for perfection are amazing! There is only one thing that is 100% perfect. And that is God. No man, and no waterfall, and no song, and no movie will ever be perfect. I wonder why God gave me the desire for perfection...because He gave me the desire for Him! I crave enjoyment. Yeah, I'm talking thick crusted pizza and delightful Reese's Peanut Butter cup flurries. Margaritas and games. I'm talking stomach dropping thrills. I'm talking laughter that is uncontrollable. I'm talking adorable puppies and babies and sloths. These things are beautiful and make my mouth drop. If these things can make me smile for a second, I can only imagine beaming for all eternity. I crave the most unfailing, and the most ardent, and the most extreme, and the most unconquerable love! I crave someone Who is so Good and so filled with Love that His Heart is practically burning with It. I crave someone Who will relinquish all of His power and majesty; Who will stoop down to the most pitiful of levels; Who will literally let me trample Him with my own feet if that is what it takes for me to be united fully to Him. See, I search for all of these things in a broken and totally human way. Every time I ignore what a friend says and speak over her, so that I may be recognized instead of her, I am craving relationship. I want everyone to love and recognize me! Every time I dwell on thoughts of pride and myself being esteemed, I am craving a community--for the whole world to look to me and love me. Every time I talk nasty about someone else so that I appear better, I am craving acceptance. Every time I stuff my face with chips and applesauce, I am craving fulfillment. Every time I basically torture myself to make my homework 100% perfect, I am craving perfection. Every time I laugh and make a sexist or racist joke, or whatever type of joke you want to call it, I am craving enjoyment. When I binge-watch Netflix for hours, I am craving unending happiness. When I stare at my body and scold myself for being "not good enough," I am craving beauty and awe. Every time I sit back lazily, waiting for someone to take action for my sake, comfort, and happiness, I am craving the most unfailing, and the most ardent, and the most extreme, and the most unconquerable love! This Lent, we denied ourselves of things such as Netflix, makeup, favorite foods, and bodily comforts. We misuse such gifts, seeking fulfillment in them, instead of praising the Creator of all good things. So we "gave them up." Our souls and bodies felt the pain of being denied comfort. What did we do instead of indulging in things that distract us from God? We gave our time, treasure, and talents. We increased our prayer and sought to know God. Through these practices, we came to further understanding that God alone quenches our thirst and satisfies our hunger. So, I'm not actually craving pathetic little things like chips and applesauce. I'm not craving to hurt myself or to hurt others or to hurt God. God created all good desires. I'm actually craving to love myself, to love others, and to love God. I go about it the wrong way! My whole body and soul and the whole world around me is screaming and craving God. Jesus! My God! All things You made for your glory, including myself. My desires and cravings for what is good and wonderful point back to You. Yet, I seek to satisfy my longings in things that are not You! Instead of using your gifts for your glory, I use them to glorify myself, and they ultimately leave me feeling down and unfulfilled. What do I want? Now that Lent is passed and we get to participate in the celebration of Your resurrection, I see that I actually don't want the whole fame, fortune, success thing. I don't want a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup flurry. That is a nice gift that You give and I'll take it when I get it, but I want the big stuff! I want what last and what satisfies. I want God. I want His overwhelmingly glorious will. I want to receive His Son, Jesus over and over again into my heart, mind, soul, and body (think the Eucharist). I want healing from the bonds of OCD and social anxiety. I want heaven to be fully established on earth. I want every soul across the globe to experience the wonders and intimacy of relationship with God. I want the Holy Spirit to guide every part of our lives; to heal us physically, spiritually and emotionally. I want tons and tons of gifts from the Holy Spirit. Faith, hope, and love. Courage, wisdom, understanding, awe, piety, and counsel. I want to bear fruits of peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I want a ginormous party in which heaven meets earth, the dead are raised, the sick are healed, and every person is united to our dear, dear, Trinity--our Love! So, after all of that rambling, let's ask the question again: What do you want? Happy Easter, all! |
AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
SpiritualityVocationMental ILlnessSeasonalADVENT LENT
Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
|