Living the Life I was living the life of a cloistered nun! It was my dream come true. I was living like my favorite saint, St. Clare, and was with a community of wonderful, happy women. I got to see Jesus all the time. He was there—the Eucharist—and I was blessed to pray in the chapel at least five times a day (at least!). Most of the time, I prayed with the sisters, and sometimes I had private prayer. I was given instructions on basic Catholicism and the life of a Poor Clare. I found it fascinating and I was “wowed” by the sisters’ humility, praise of God, and how every little action was for Jesus. Pictures of Jesus were everywhere. The name of Jesus was repeated constantly and used with the utmost reverence. During meals, we would pray and listen to a sister read from a spiritual book or listen to a spiritual tape. Together, we had choir practice, enjoyed recreation, and decorated the convent for feast days. We made gifts for sisters on their anniversary of vows, prayed for the deceased sisters of the community, wrote to Poor Clare communities around the world, carved pumpkins for Halloween, and had picnics. There I was, living the life, courting Jesus, talking to Him all the time, and yet…something felt “off.” A trial quickly came upon me. This trial was going to hurt, but Jesus was going to give me all the graces I needed to get through it. I wouldn't see the benefit of it at first, but He knew that in time, I'd experience suffering that doesn't end in death, but with life! Here is what He was saying to me (I'll take it from Scripture). I didn't understand or realize what He meant, but He spoke nonetheless: Jacqueline, for a little while, you are to suffer through various trials. Your faith is more precious than gold. Gold is perishable and therefore, must be tested by fire. (See 1 Peter 6-8). A little while and you will no longer see Me, and again a little while later and you will see Me. (See John 16:16) As the Father sent Me into the world to suffer and die, so I send you into the world to suffer and die. I consecrated Myself for you, so that you also may be consecrated in truth. (See John 17: 18-19) What I am doing, you do not understand now, but you will understand later. (See John 13:7) You sow in tears, but will reap with cries of joy. (See Psalm 125:5) The Trial I thought that giving up family, clothes, money, electronics, and independence was a step toward sanctity, but I quickly came to the conclusion that it wasn’t nearly enough. Every action and thought I had, had become a sin. Looking at my reflection in a window: it was a sin—how vain I was! Exaggerating a story in conversation: it was a sin—I was a liar! Being too slow when cleaning: it was a sin—I was lazy and idle! Distracted during Mass: it was a sin—I only cared for myself and not God. I didn’t have the joy of Jesus in me: it was a sin—I was a sour faced Christian! Sin. Sin. Sin. It became my obsession. My expectations for myself grew more and more, making me feel absolutely terrible. Then, I felt terrible about feeling terrible, because a nun is always happy (Warning: Sarcasm). My head told me that I couldn’t muster enough devotion for Jesus or His saints. I needed to have great devotion to every saint and pray equally to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I needed to pray more. I made myself do countless daily ritual prayers including praying for each person I knew and knew about with utmost strength and fervor. I never felt complete or finished. I was never satisfied and always felt compelled to do more. I needed to do more. So, I did more, and it still wasn’t enough. My head also said that I had to deny myself as well because I was a horrible, horrible sinner. Penance! No salt on my food! Sit up straighter in the chapel! Straighter! No chap stick, no matter how dry my lips were! It wasn’t enough! It wasn’t enough! The hardest thing was that with all of these prayers and penances, I had to do them perfectly and do them with complete happiness. I don’t know about you, but doing all of that stuff every day on top of the regular “nun” expectations is pretty hard—almost impossible to accomplish. What is even more impossible is to do it with a large smile and to be overflowing with happiness. I wasn’t overflowing with happiness—I was overwhelmed! As I became extremely unhappy, I blamed it on homesickness and not trying hard enough at the nun’s life. If I was holier and less of a sinner, I would be able to happily serve the Lord as a Poor Clare. I started calling myself a worm and a maggot. I saw myself as deserving hell. I began to think I was no longer in love with Jesus, but in love with the devil. Refusing to acknowledge that I was internally struggling, I didn’t tell my Novice Mistress or Mother Abbess. I continued thinking, “Jesus asked me to go to the convent with Him. I have to stay. Nothing is wrong. This is where I’m meant to be. Of course, this life is hard. I knew it would be. Jesus is helping me and I’m staying till He tells me to leave. I still want to be His bride! I want to take vows and marry Jesus!” Do you see how confusing this was? On one end, my mind twisted so much to think that I was in love with the devil, while at the same time, I was still clinging to my desire to be Christ’s bride! I was torn and utterly confused. What was I to do? Find out by reading next week's blog post!
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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