What do you want? What do you want? Think. What do you want? Think. Think deep. Think deeper. Deeper. Deeper. What do you want Him to do for you? Deeper. Deeper. Search the deepest yearnings of your heart. Jesus doesn't want to just give you a little thing. He wants to give you BIG stuff! Jesus asked me this same question. "What do you want me to do for you" (Mark 10:51)? "Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete" (John 16:23-24). "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you. By this is my Father glorified, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples" (John 15:7). When I looked at my actual desires, I was like, "Wow. Winning the lottery, getting a mansion, and becoming famous is probably the most pathetic thing I could ask for! That is so small! That is so, so, small! That is the wimpiest gift ever! Why would the God of all goodness want to give me such a minuscule gift as fame and fortune?" What do I want? I crave relationship. I crave community. I crave acceptance. I crave fulfillment. I crave perfection. I crave enjoyment. I crave unending happiness. I crave beauty and awe. I crave the most unfailing, and the most ardent, and the most extreme, and the most unconquerable love! Why would God give me a mansion? That is not what I want! What I want is God. I want Him! He is the fulfillment of all my desires. In Him, I have relationship. God could just be God the Father--but no! He Himself is Communion. He is One in Three Persons! He is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! He is family. He is acceptance. Every desire in me that yearns to be esteemed and loved and valued is good. God would not give me the desire for acceptance if He could not fulfill that desire completely. He made me for Him. My cravings for perfection are amazing! There is only one thing that is 100% perfect. And that is God. No man, and no waterfall, and no song, and no movie will ever be perfect. I wonder why God gave me the desire for perfection...because He gave me the desire for Him! I crave enjoyment. Yeah, I'm talking thick crusted pizza and delightful Reese's Peanut Butter cup flurries. Margaritas and games. I'm talking stomach dropping thrills. I'm talking laughter that is uncontrollable. I'm talking adorable puppies and babies and sloths. These things are beautiful and make my mouth drop. If these things can make me smile for a second, I can only imagine beaming for all eternity. I crave the most unfailing, and the most ardent, and the most extreme, and the most unconquerable love! I crave someone Who is so Good and so filled with Love that His Heart is practically burning with It. I crave someone Who will relinquish all of His power and majesty; Who will stoop down to the most pitiful of levels; Who will literally let me trample Him with my own feet if that is what it takes for me to be united fully to Him. See, I search for all of these things in a broken and totally human way. Every time I ignore what a friend says and speak over her, so that I may be recognized instead of her, I am craving relationship. I want everyone to love and recognize me! Every time I dwell on thoughts of pride and myself being esteemed, I am craving a community--for the whole world to look to me and love me. Every time I talk nasty about someone else so that I appear better, I am craving acceptance. Every time I stuff my face with chips and applesauce, I am craving fulfillment. Every time I basically torture myself to make my homework 100% perfect, I am craving perfection. Every time I laugh and make a sexist or racist joke, or whatever type of joke you want to call it, I am craving enjoyment. When I binge-watch Netflix for hours, I am craving unending happiness. When I stare at my body and scold myself for being "not good enough," I am craving beauty and awe. Every time I sit back lazily, waiting for someone to take action for my sake, comfort, and happiness, I am craving the most unfailing, and the most ardent, and the most extreme, and the most unconquerable love! This Lent, we denied ourselves of things such as Netflix, makeup, favorite foods, and bodily comforts. We misuse such gifts, seeking fulfillment in them, instead of praising the Creator of all good things. So we "gave them up." Our souls and bodies felt the pain of being denied comfort. What did we do instead of indulging in things that distract us from God? We gave our time, treasure, and talents. We increased our prayer and sought to know God. Through these practices, we came to further understanding that God alone quenches our thirst and satisfies our hunger. So, I'm not actually craving pathetic little things like chips and applesauce. I'm not craving to hurt myself or to hurt others or to hurt God. God created all good desires. I'm actually craving to love myself, to love others, and to love God. I go about it the wrong way! My whole body and soul and the whole world around me is screaming and craving God. Jesus! My God! All things You made for your glory, including myself. My desires and cravings for what is good and wonderful point back to You. Yet, I seek to satisfy my longings in things that are not You! Instead of using your gifts for your glory, I use them to glorify myself, and they ultimately leave me feeling down and unfulfilled. What do I want? Now that Lent is passed and we get to participate in the celebration of Your resurrection, I see that I actually don't want the whole fame, fortune, success thing. I don't want a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup flurry. That is a nice gift that You give and I'll take it when I get it, but I want the big stuff! I want what last and what satisfies. I want God. I want His overwhelmingly glorious will. I want to receive His Son, Jesus over and over again into my heart, mind, soul, and body (think the Eucharist). I want healing from the bonds of OCD and social anxiety. I want heaven to be fully established on earth. I want every soul across the globe to experience the wonders and intimacy of relationship with God. I want the Holy Spirit to guide every part of our lives; to heal us physically, spiritually and emotionally. I want tons and tons of gifts from the Holy Spirit. Faith, hope, and love. Courage, wisdom, understanding, awe, piety, and counsel. I want to bear fruits of peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I want a ginormous party in which heaven meets earth, the dead are raised, the sick are healed, and every person is united to our dear, dear, Trinity--our Love! So, after all of that rambling, let's ask the question again: What do you want? Happy Easter, all!
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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