What are your thoughts? Do you think you're a terrible person? That you're super awkward? That everyone is so much better than you? I personally have a lot of thoughts like that. So negative! Why do I think that way? Well, my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and social anxiety definitely play a role in gearing me toward the negative, but I think some of it is just regular self-image issues that pretty much all of us have. My thoughts can be super intrusive and won't go away no matter how much I argue with the thoughts or try to think more positively. That is because my thoughts seem so real; so true and believable; like laws from God Himself! After all, God can speak to us through thoughts, right? Yeah, God can speak through our thoughts, but we also have to remember that God's thoughts are not the same as our thoughts. Think of how God can speak to you through people. Maybe they sometimes give you advice and encouragement and other times, they scream at you, saying they hate you. Now, sometimes people really do say things that are beneficial, helpful, and filled with good, Godly stuff, but that doesn't mean that every word they say is God's command. It's the same way with our thoughts. Some thoughts are good and helpful for us, and others are downright depressing and fill us with despair. During this previous Sunday Mass, a reading was from Isaiah 55:8 saying, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts." This was something I needed to hear because I obsess over my thoughts and what they mean. I analyze them and wonder about their importance. I can have the thought, "Gee, Mass is so boring and long today." Then, I freak out about the thought. I tear it apart, for surely God is telling me I'm an idle sinner with no zeal whatsoever! No! It's just a thought. I may have a thought that I'm a terrible person, but that doesn't mean God thinks I'm a terrible person. Thank the Good Lord that His thoughts are not my thoughts! You may not have OCD or social anxiety, but I bet you have thoughts you don't like or thoughts that make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe like "I'm the most awkward person in the room," or, "I'm terrible at praying," or, "I'm never good enough." And am I the only person who has had the thought during a church service/Mass that I should stand up when everyone is quiet and start shouting (By the way, that thought is why I posted a shouting child as an attention-getting picture)? I know, it's bizarre and ridiculous, but let's take it for what it is: a thought. Push it aside. It doesn't define you and it is not necessarily the voice of God. God is so fabulous and out of this world that there is no way his thoughts are like our thoughts! Phew! What a relief!
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It's week four here at college! Sophomore year for me! Woohoo! Now, part of this is my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but maybe this is something we all struggle with: the thought that we need to do more! More. More. More. All of the clubs have started up at school and activities are happening every hour. For me, just a few include student government, students for life, church stuff, church stuff, and more church stuff! Then there is meeting with friends, calling friends, and hanging with friends (this includes my friend, Jesus). I also have so much to write: my blog, and then I'm writing my novel, and then I want to find an internship for the Summer of 2018, and oh yeah...the reason I'm at college...school. Five classes which mean exploding amounts of homework which includes reading and a lot more writing. Those are things I'm currently working on, but there is still so much I want to do. I want to volunteer with the Red Cross, volunteer with the rotating homeless shelter, help with church retreats, go to church events with fellow Christians (even if not Catholic! We are all brothers and sisters after all!), write the twenty other books and novels I have in my mind, spend more time with Jesus and have more fun with friends. Ah! I look at Jesus and am like, "I can't do it all. I can't. I really want to, but I can't. I can't build my resume, find work, be a student, be a friend, be a novelist, be a devout volunteer at several organizations and still have time to sleep at night!" That is when the Good Lord had a wonderful Sunday Mass in mind for me. There I was, sitting in church this Sunday when the second reading popped out to me. It was St. Paul's letter to the Romans (14:7-9). "None of us lives for oneself, and no one dies for oneself." Hmmm...that one caught my attention immediately. Paul continued, "For if we live, we live for the Lord, and if we die, we die for the Lord." So wait a second! I looked at Jesus again and my mouth parted in understanding. Here is what I got from these verses: If I was living for myself, then yes, I need to be a good student, accomplished worker, famous novelist, mult-organization volunteer and as I do it all, I need to be a saint. However, if I am living for the Lord, then none of my expectations for myself are relevant. All of the tasks and ideas I have in mind may be really cool and could really help people but if I'm not doing it for the Lord, then what's the point? A lot of peace came over me from reflecting on all of this stuff. My hands literally dropped to my sides and my eyes closed their lids as the weight of all of my expectations drained from me. For a moment, I felt vividly that it wasn't myself who was living, but Christ living in me (Gal 2:20). I allowed Jesus to increase and myself to decrease (as good old John the Baptist says in John 3:30). This meant that I didn't need to stress about being a student and accomplishing all of my homework, for if I was trying my best in the Lord, then I would succeed in the Lord. If I still tried my best in the Lord and I flunked all of my classes, then I would flunk my classes in the Lord. As for publishing books, volunteering, building my resume, and such, I needed to rethink my motives. Was I trying to add more and more on for my own sense of accomplishment? Did I think that if I was doing more, I'd be more saint-like; more acclaimed and talented in the eyes of others? Anyway, since it's a few weeks into the school year and I've seen various opportunities, been invited to multiple events, and have had the desire to join certain groups, I know that I can't do it all, and I won't be happy if I do it all, because I'm not doing it for the Lord. So I'll give you a short sample of what I concluded. I go to student government because I'm a representative for my Catholic parish. It's the way I connect my parish life to the university--it's for the Lord. I go to adoration on Wednesday because prayer refreshes me--it's for the Lord. I do my homework and go to class because I'm gaining the skills to get a job and help others--it's for the Lord. I socialize with friends because God made me to be with people--it's for the Lord! I volunteer at several organizations so I feel accomplished and that I'm a great person. Cross that one off--it's not for the Lord. I get my novel published immediately so that I become a famous author ASAP. Cross that one off--it's not for the Lord. I go to every single church event that exists so I can feel like a true, faithful member of the parish. Cross that one off--it's not for the Lord. You see what I'm doing? Guys, I have so much peace from this! I want to encourage all of you lovely readers: when you are busy, stressed and overwhelmed, or you feel like you have to do more, take a look at your motives. Because you're not here on earth so that you can live for yourself--you're living for the Lord. College Bound My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder didn't go away, but it certainly became more manageable. I still struggle with it presently, but I've got tons of tools to help me overcome it. (Oh, by the way, if you've been reading this since the prologue, this is kind of like the epilogue but not really since I'm only twenty and I've got a way to go till I die (God willing)...anyway just know that this is the last chapter of my "book" or "series" or whatever you want to call it. I decided not to bother titling it by a chapter or "Epilogue") It took me a couple years, but I started feeling happy again and prayer became easier. Even with me feeling better, I was still confused about why I entered the convent and left. Despite this confusion, I was ready to take a new step--to go to a different form of life: College life! I never thought I'd end up at Central Michigan University (CMU). My twin sister, a student at CMU, had invited me to a church retreat at CMU in 2015. After this retreat, visiting my sister at her college several times, and talking it over with Jesus and my parents, I decided to attend CMU in the fall of 2016. Happiness! Guys, I'm so happy I'm at college and at CMU. I love the people and I love the campus and I love the classes. There is a Catholic church right smack in the middle of the campus, so Jesus is always present! I'm now in my sophomore year and I'm pretty set on studying English and Religion. I'll get more in depth on different college experiences in later posts, but before I wrap up this "book", I want to share with you an amazing discovery that has brought me indescribable joy. Mind = Blown So, last year (my freshman year), there was a night that I listened to the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift (See Chapters 3 and 4 for more information on how that song played in my personal journey ). This song usually made me really sad and full of longing. This was the song that Jesus played to "propose" to me. It was how I knew I was to enter the convent and be His bride (nuns are called "brides of Christ" since they give up marriage to a man to devote themselves to God). Now as I listened to the song, I was confused that upon entering the convent, I was diagnosed with all of that mental illness stuff. I wondered, If I was supposed to "marry" Jesus, then why wasn't I still at the convent, preparing to become a nun? Was I just imagining that God wanted me to be totally His? Did He never propose in the first place? Did He reject me as His bride (See previous chapters on the blog for more information on past events)? As I listened to "Love Story" this particular night at college, it didn't fill me with my usual hurt and confusion and longing. Instead, almost no feelings aroused at all when listening to the song. The lyrics seemed so superficial. It was about Juliet just waiting her days away for Romeo to marry her. That's what I had been doing: waiting and waiting for Jesus to sweep me in His arms and for us to live happily ever after. I thought that becoming a nun was how this would happen. Yet, as I listened to "Love Story" that night, I wondered why this song no longer touched me. I realized that this was because God’s love is so much more than the "love story" I had always envisioned. God’s love story includes a cross. A cross in which Jesus poured out His most precious blood upon us in the ultimate act of love. And Jesus was asking me to partake in that. It didn’t include pretty dresses and jewels. It included sacrifice, pain, and trial. It didn’t include me waiting and waiting for my prince to come. It included action and participation on my part. Oh, I am in love! It’s not the type of love I originally thought. Not the love of the movies and the fairy tales. It’s more. So much more! I get to partake in the exchange of love between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Actively! Right now. Every time I receive Holy Communion, the Lord touches my lips and enters into my very being. This Lord Who loves me and pours Himself—naked and bare and vulnerable—He pours Himself out to me. I don’t need to wait for God to marry me. I don’t need to wait for Mr. Right to walk into my life. I don’t even need to wait for heaven. I get to have it all now. It’s all there in the Eucharist. The Trinitarian God offering Himself to me, and I am invited to return that love—to partake fully in it. Jesus said, “The kingdom of heaven is at hand" (Matthew 10:7, Mark 1:15, Luke 10:9), He didn’t say, “The kingdom of heaven is at the end of the world. The kingdom of heaven is when you die.” “The kingdom of heaven is when you get married.” “The kingdom of heaven is when you take religious vows or become ordained a priest.” No. People, the kingdom of heaven is here and now! HERE AND NOW! My Prince is already here. Constantly, I come to Him, broken. Constantly He rescues me. He gives Himself totally to me, and I get to give myself totally in return. This is the marriage covenant! The dream—the vision—the love story! My destination of heaven begins now. My union with God is now. Sorry--I can't say it enough! Now. Now. Now. St. Therese of Lisieux hits the nail when she says, “my vocation is love.” Priest, nun, married, single…yeah, that’s a discernment process and a journey, but we have an underlying vocation. The other vocations are just expressions of the deeper vocation. A vocation each of us is called to. Love! And we don’t need to wait for God to reveal it to us. We don’t need to discern if we’re called to love. We know we are. Jesus told us so. We’re called to the greatest love, for “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13) That’s what Jesus did for us, and that’s what we’re called to do daily. Those years ago, when I was in high school, and Jesus asked me to marry Him--I thought that meant I had to be a nun. Now, I see that every person is called to marry Jesus. I don't need to be a nun to be totally God's. I don't need to be a nun to be a saint. No more saying, "I will marry Jesus." I am married to Jesus! People, I'm married to Jesus, and I am a single, Catholic, college student! Hmmm....I think I'm in heaven..oh wait--that's because I am!!!! My parents wrapped me in their loving arms! My family welcomed me home from the convent in April of 2015, willing to help me with whatever I needed. I got a job at a greenhouse within my first week back, and I was just going to give myself as much time as I needed to sort out "my life". It felt really challenging to sort out my life without some help from Jesus. I asked Him for help, and I'll be honest, I thought Jesus had stopped speaking to me, but He was always speaking through the encouragement, concern, and help of my family and friends. So, I was working full time. And my depression did not go away. It got a whole lot worse! I was very hurt and confused about why I had depression and why I left the convent. I thought God had rejected me. I despaired. Work actually stopped suddenly for me because I had to go through some intensive depression treatment. Thank the Good Lord that I received another diagnosis! It's called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD). This diagnosis was a blessing from God! When I realized that I had OCD, I was able to get the proper treatment. Some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and medication can help with depression, but I needed treatment for my OCD. Quick OCD lesson: OCD attacks the things that a person holds as important. Think if you have OCD and health is really important to you. Your OCD may manifest itself through obsessions related to cleanliness (and thus cause you to perform a compulsion like hand-washing). For me, my faith is super important to me. That is why my OCD manifests itself through obsessions related to sin and morality (and thus causes me to perform compulsions such as repeating prayers or performing penances). This obsession with sin and morality is a sub type of OCD known as scrupulosity. Now, anyone can have a scruple. Say you pray and the thought occurs to you that you were not paying enough attention while saying the prayer. The scruple is worrying that you may have sinned by not paying enough attention. Most people will just shrug this scruple off their shoulder. Oh well. They may think. No one can pray perfectly. Or. I'll try harder next time. God understands that I can't always be 100% attentive. This is not so for a person with scrupulosity! Scrupulosity causes a person to obsess and worry that they are a terrible sinner! They will sweat and wonder if they are going to hell. They may think that if they really loved God and cared about others, they would be able to pray with complete attention. These scruples become diagnosed as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when the scruples lead to compulsory behavior. For example, I will repeat a prayer until I think I've said it with 100% attention, I'll scold and punish myself for my "sinfulness", I'll repeat phrases to God about what a terrible sinner I am and how desperate I am for His mercy, and/or I'll go to confession and even possibly re-confess my "sin" during later confessions. The anxiety caused from these obsessions never fully goes away after performing the compulsions. Compulsions lesson the anxiety slightly but then return with even worse anxiety and an even greater need to do more compulsions. Yikes! No wonder why I was depressed! Every action, every thought, and every prayer were sins and I would repeatedly try to make up for it, sin again, and try to make up for it. It goes in this never ending cycle, that only gets worse if not treated. My parents were ready to do anything to get this treated. They wanted to see their daughter Jacqueline talking again! Not the voice of OCD! Treatment did include hospitalization, and I'll probably get into that with later blog posts. For now, know that I started getting better. I began what is known as Exposure and Response Prevention. It is a therapy that treats OCD. With a therapist, I do exposures, which is exposing myself to my worst fears (for example: saying a prayer while distracted) and then I don't respond to it with compulsions (for example: repeating the prayer, scolding myself, etc.). Instead, I just sit with the anxiety of being a "distracted pray-er" until my level of anxiety goes down. Now, it also took finding the right medication, regular cognitive behavioral therapy, support from my loved ones, group therapy, companionship with others who suffer from OCD, finding coping skills, and pet therapy to get me feeling good again. I firmly believe that this was all Jesus in action, taking care of His beloved! As for all of those articles I posted about me "marrying" Jesus (nuns are called "brides of Christ" because they give up marriage to a man to be with God)? Did Jesus actually not ask me to marry Him since I didn't end up becoming a nun? Did Jesus call off the "wedding" and tell me to go to college first? Read the answers in next week's blog post! |
AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
SpiritualityVocationMental ILlnessSeasonalADVENT LENT
Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
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