Scripture says that: “a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10 Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. To put in my effort to prevent suicides, I am sharing a letter that I wrote during my own period of suicidal thoughts and ideation.
Beloved, Peace of Jesus Christ. I must tell you of the inspiration for this series of letters. See, I am currently in an episode of suicidal ideation. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. With this triple diagnosis, you may see why I am so likely to have suicidal thoughts. Dearly Beloved, I was just on the floor of my room. I was having a mental breakdown fighting temptations to end my life, that is, end my pain. I begged my guardian angel to assist me. I needed to take a shower, so I asked my angel to help me to the shower. My angel did help me, and while in the shower, my mind raged with thoughts of death and violence. My temptations were unbearable. In that moment, I said to Jesus, “Glory to You! Glory to You!” I cried to Him. I know He knows that I cannot control the flood of thoughts and desires. “You say that when I am weak, then I am strong, because of You. So be it, I am weak! Take this weakness and use it for Your glory! Take it and make this new and good.” As a passionate writer, it was easy for me to see what was Jesus was asking of me. See, I have a long history of suicidal ideation as well as self-harm. I have always wondered what is the key for a Catholic who has mental illness. I have asked God, why and how can a Catholic have suicidal thoughts and intense depression and anxiety. Is it not contradictory to love the Lord with all that I am and at the same time, long to end my life? Was it not Jesus who said to not worry? What is the secret? I wondered. For if I believe that God is good and makes all ills of the world good, then should I not see the good that comes from my mental illness? Dare I even say, my desire to kill myself? I thought I needed to wait for me to have a decade of sound health to find the secret. I thought that it would be a long process of prayer and wondering—theological searching and even private revelation. But, in that moment in the shower, when I glorified God in my utter weakness, the secret opened its lock. I realized, Beloved, that you are the reason I am alive. With Christ as my purpose and foundation, I pray that I imitate Jesus and His Blessed Mother in serving you. Get ready, Beloved. You, who knows suffering. Get ready, my dear one, whose pains and burdens are unbearable. Sit back and watch your Maker heal your wounds and conquer the forces that seek to end your life. As you have suicidal thoughts, I do as well. Stay with me Beloved, and I will stay with you as well. We are in this together. We are in this with God. God is good. May He be praised, now and forever. Your sister, Jacqueline I know there are some grammatical mistakes, but I wanted to show you the original letter. Living for "Beloved," (you), is what has saved me from suicide numerous times. I truly believe that living for the sake of another is the best way to keep yourself alive. I also believe in medication, therapy, hospitalization, and crying out for help. Writing letters to "Beloved" is a great coping skill for me. If you suffer from suicidal thoughts and urges, I ask that you live for me as I live for you. Your job right now is to live for the sake of others, while God gives you the grace. I also ask that you ask for help. Others, help Beloved get help! Check out my Mental Illness page for a start on resources.
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There has been a lot of wedding imagery in the liturgy lately.
Last Thursday was the feast of the Passion of John the Baptist. I was praying my evening prayer that day--the Liturgy of the Hours--and I saw this really cool "Responsory." It reads: The friend of the bridegroom rejoices, upon hearing the bridegroom's voice. --The friend of the bridegroom rejoices, upon hearing the bridegroom's voice. Now my joy is complete, --upon hearing the bridegroom's voice. (August 29; Evening Prayer. Christian Prayer: The Liturgy of the Hours Catholic Book Publishing Corp. New York, 1976. pg. 1242 *sorry for my unprofessional citation*) So, John the Baptist saw himself as a groomsman--a friend of the bridegroom (John 3:29-30). He saw Jesus as the bridegroom, the one the people of Israel were waiting for. Now, in Jesus' time, the job of the groomsmen was to announce the arrival of the bridegroom. Seriously, groomsmen showed up outside of the bride's house and shouted and blew a shofar to alert the bride that her bridegroom was there. Now, last Friday, the Gospel passage for the day was about the wise and foolish virgins (also known as the wise and foolish bridesmaids or maidens). When the bridegroom arrived, five of the bridesmaids were ready with their oil lamps lit while the other five were foolish and had to go back and buy more oil--thus missing the wedding banquet altogether (Matthew 25:1-13). And then, yesterday, for Sunday Mass, the Gospel was Jesus' parable about taking seats of honor at a wedding feast. He said it is better to take a humble seat as opposed to the most honorable seat because the humble can always "bump up" in status (Luke 14:8-14). With all of this wedding stuff, I am thinking of my twin sister, Callie, who is getting married in January 2020. She is the bride and I am one of the bridesmaids. I think of how John the Baptist called himself a groomsman. If he gets to be a groomsman of the Christ, then I think I can be a bridesmaid of the Church! John knew that he wasn't the groom himself. He knew Jesus was. And, as typical for a wedding, the groom is the one who increases, as the friend of the groom--or groomsman--decreases (John 3:30). The groomsman elevates the groom and announces his presence and honor to the bride and her relatives. What a cool spiritual reflection and metaphor for us! Using my dear sister Callie as the object of this metaphor, Callie is like the Church. Scripture is packed with wedding imagery, depicting Christ as the bridegroom and the Church as the bride. That's why consecrated life is so cool! Nuns and consecrated virgins act as the Church, as they marry Jesus Christ, the heavenly Bridegroom. In Jesus' time, the bridesmaids helped the bride get ready for the wedding and attended to her. Even in our modern-day, I, as a bridesmaid goes wedding dress shopping with Callie, puts in my opinion and helps with service plans, plans the bridal shower, plans the bachelorette party, and at the wedding, I am her attendant who stands up with her. Now, thinking of the bigger picture, as a bridesmaid of the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church, I am the Church's attendant! As the Church prepares for Her meeting with Christ at the end of the age, it is my duty to tend to Her needs. Now is the time for me to adorn Her with virtues. Now is the time for me to assist her--be it helping one of her members walk after a surgery or listening to and helping a member when she is in distress. John the Baptist has announced that Jesus is here! Bridesmaids, let us prepare the Bride and present Her pure and holy to Her groom! |
AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
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