I wrote the following draft in 2017: OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) tells me a lot of different things. It is a part of my therapy to write down the demands of OCD so that I can realize how ridiculous and impossible the demands are. Now, I warn you: All of the things that OCD says are not necessarily bad or wrong. OCD takes good concepts and makes them extremes. For example, it's a good concept to wash your hands. OCD takes that and pushes it to the extreme saying you must wash your hands every five minutes for at least a 30-second duration, or at least until it "feels right". Buckle your seat-belts. OCD has the stage. I should be walking ten miles a day for at least five days of the week so that I may become an advanced hiker. I should be helping at every event at church and on campus. I should volunteer at several places. I should be a week ahead on all of my homework assignments. I need to be discerning my vocation, and must thus record every slight movement of consolation or desolation. I should be constantly socializing and going to social events. I need to work on my blog, but also make time for writing poetry and I must write my novel at least an hour a day. I need to develop the ideas for my twenty + other novels. I should be filling out several scholarships. I should draw for relaxation as well as create masterpieces for others. I should lose weight--no less than twenty pounds. I must not eat an ounce too much, lest I be gluttonous. I should be performing several penances. I should be fasting weekly (if not daily), and denying myself constantly. I have an endless list of books I should be reading, at least for a few minutes every night. I also should not get a minute over eight hours of sleep, lest I be lazy, and must spend every waking minute being productive. I should be involved in many more student organizations on campus. I must go daily to Mass and Adoration,, pray at least morning and evening prayer of the Divine Office, pray the rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, several devotionals, read several spiritual reads, and do the stations of the cross, at least fifteen minutes of mental prayer, and several other prayers (Did I mention that this all must be done daily?) I also must pray the Angelus at the 6th and 12th hours of the day and must set time aside to pray at the 3rd hours of the day. I should never spend any money unnecessarily. I must give to every homeless person I see, and should give away over 10% of what I own. I shouldn't have anything extravagant or luxurious. I must wear my clothes until they fall apart. I must love every person I see with great intensity. I must pray for every single person I come in contact with and must remember everyone's names. I must never complain, be grateful, humble, disciplined, diligent, loved by everyone, and must never have any feelings of pride, anger, self-pity, or depression. I must do all of this perfectly. I also should be extremely happy while doing all of these "shoulds" and "musts". I should feel joyful and laugh and smile through it all and be ecstatic that I'm suffering with Jesus. It's a lot, right? And I'm just scratching the surface. I could write a series of books on all of the demands that OCD presents. No wonder this can lead to depression, eh? I am told to do all of these things. I try to do at least some of them, and I do them imperfectly. Then, I get depressed because I just can't do it. Thankfully, I'm currently in a very good place this year of 2021. My OCD is not bad and thank God, I'm not depressed! All praise to our good Lord, who heals our ills.
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As I reach my final days of college and this blog is titled, "From Convent to College," I thought I would share with you some final posts. Many are drafts of posts that I wrote sometime between 2017 and now. It felt like a pile of worms had been dumped into my stomach. I forced down a sip of water on the hot, August day. Too nervous to listen to music, I turned off the car radio. There it was. Central Michigan University. My parents drove behind me in our other family van, containing my twin sister's (she also went to CMU) couch and other supplies for my dorm room. It was 2016. A year ago, at this time, I was in the emergency room for suicidal ideation. Two years ago, at this time, I was preparing to enter a convent. With those experiences behind me, I was now a 19 (almost 20) year-old freshman in college, but those experiences were ingrained deeply in me and would influence my actions. I drove toward the freshman dorms. Social anxiety attack! Look at all of those people! Cars were everywhere. People were everywhere, carrying and wheeling their things into their dorm. College student now. Ok. I can do this. I fiddled with my t-shirt, instead of the hospital gown I had grown accustomed to during my emergency room stays. I patted down my hair which wasn't covered with the little white veil I wore at the convent. Jesus, I'm so happy You're here on campus. He was pretty happy too. The Catholic church was less than a ten-minute walk from my dorm, right at the center of campus. I'm telling you, transitions are so much easier when you have your best friend beside you, especially when your best friend is the Best Friend. It was time for me to participate fully in the world. Previously, I was in a cloistered convent, which is totally separated from the world. Then, my hospital stays had me pretty isolated from the world too. College though--public college--was a step into the world. Some of it was great and some of it freaked the life out of me (still does). School. Food. Drink. Money. Make-up. Clothes. Media. Sex. Music. Netflix. They aren't in themselves bad things, but they can definitely be abused. Now, for a girl with scrupulosity, this is pretty scary stuff to encounter. Not to mention the swearing, extreme political views, crude humor, and outrageous dress. I've gotten past most of my naïve shock to such things. I used to cringe every single time I heard the Lord's name taken in vain. Sometimes I still do, but I've grown used to it. Things like that have been unpleasant, but there are some really pleasant things I've discovered on campus. I already mentioned Jesus and a nearby Catholic church. The community there was top-notch. They were super accepting and the friendliest people I knew. The church had Mass, adoration, social events, speakers, service, food, recreation, and formation. And it's really pretty on the inside. Ok, besides the church? The library is pretty nifty--you can even rent out a private study room! There is always a coffee shop nearby. The chalking on the ground is fun to read and keeps you updated (when it's not snowing). Oh, yeah...and the reason why I'm here...school. I began with just some basic general education requirements, but I've already learned so much and discovered so many things--it's incredible! I've never studied sociology, geology, or psychology before. I've never taken a backpacking class either, until now. I look to Jesus and say to Him, Hey, education is pretty cool. He smiles and agrees, but isn't surprised when I look to Him the next day and say, Hey! I'm pretty sure my professor personally hates me. Also, is it humanly possible to finish all of this homework? The pile of worms in my stomach has squirmed away for the most part. I still get super nervous over different things socially, academically, and situation-ally, but I've adjusted well to college. With the exploding love of the Holy Spirit, Jacqueline |
AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
SpiritualityVocationMental ILlnessSeasonalADVENT LENT
Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
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