Is it possible to have an awesome chat with God when my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is going wild? As contradictory as it sounds, yes. Yes, I can. I went on an awesome retreat this past week with some nuns known as the Sisters of Life and priests known as Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. During this retreat, I got to go to a beatification! Woah...that sounds like a pretty Catholic retreat. You betcha! Check the glossary for some definitions. I will tell you what a beatification is, though! It is a Mass--a celebration! Call us weird, but we Catholics celebrate dead people. Only that's because they are not really dead! Just as we celebrate Jesus dying and rising from the dead, we celebrate ordinary people who have died and are now in heaven. So, a beatification is when the Catholic Church proclaims a dead person as "Blessed." The title of "Blessed" is the step before someone gets the title of "Saint." For example, the beatification Mass that I just went to was for Fr. Solanus Casey to become Blessed Solanus Casey in the eyes of the Church (and we hope he will eventually be called Saint Solanus Casey). Now, during such holy events, I always hope for wonderful spiritual experiences in which all of my wounds are healed. I hope to receive peace and joy. Did this happen for me during the beatification? Yes, but I warn you it is not in the way we think because the peace that Jesus gives is not the same as the peace that the world gives (John 14:27). During the Mass, a ton of obsessive, intrusive, and terrifying thoughts came to my mind including:
These thoughts were initially terrors as they are for those with OCD. Those with the "OCD Cross" have what is called a "sticky brain." Every person has bizarre thoughts. Yet, every person doesn't usually dwell upon them or acknowledge them, but out of the bagillion thoughts we have a day, sometimes we think we should crash our car into a tree or swear at the person we are talking to. Most people are able to shrug these thoughts off and say, "Well, that's a weird thought." The thought then leaves and is never picked apart. However, those with the OCD Cross give extreme importance to these thoughts, saying, "Oh my gosh! I'm evil! How could I think of such a thing? I must hate God and love sin. I could even be possessed. I'm surely going to hell for allowing such impurities in my brain." See the difference? Everyone has bizarre thoughts, but those with the OCD Cross give the thoughts high importance and believe that those thoughts define who they are. So, there I was, during Mass, having these thoughts. Did God heal me of my OCD? Did He take away that cross--the thoughts? Did He give me a profound spiritual experience instead? No. And yes. He didn't take away the cross, but He certainly did give me a profound spiritual experience. As my therapist instructs me, I didn't run from the thoughts and freak out that I was damned. I acknowledged and accepted them, despite how uneasy they made me feel. Yeah, my thoughts swore at God and cursed Him. I even looked up at heaven, even though my thoughts told me I'd be struck down if I did so. These thoughts were not God's thoughts--they didn't define me. I actually even embraced the thoughts. Okay, God. Here are my thoughts. I'm just going to let them come and trust in You. People, the amazing thing is that in a sense, I don't want these thoughts to go away--not because I enjoy them or like to curse God--but because having these thoughts give me the opportunity to totally fall into the infinite mercy of God. I get to trust that God loves me and values me--even more so, He desires me--He is with me. My mind may be sick, telling me otherwise, but my heart and soul are not what's sick. My being knows that my Creator is the very definition of mercy and love. I don't need to fear imperfection or hell or evil because He has conquered evil. He has conquered the cross. That means He has conquered the OCD Cross. Yeah, the thoughts are painful and strange and scary and troublesome, but He Himself said that in this world we would have trouble, but to take courage in the fact that He has conquered the world (John 16:33). So, whether you have the OCD Cross or not, you have a cross. You likely have several crosses of different sizes. Be it mental, spiritual, emotional, or physical, that cross is actually your redemption and salvation. That cross is a grace. With it, you get to totally rely on God. Jesus was hurt and neglected and abandoned on His cross, but that cross is what brought brilliant life to us all! The ailment that you have is your means of salvation and purification, and thus is the means of salvation for many others. Thank you, God! This Thanksgiving, we thank You for our crosses! We don't deny that they are hard and painful, but we embrace them because, through the cross, we ware redeemed! Jesus, we trust in You.
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
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