College Bound My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder didn't go away, but it certainly became more manageable. I still struggle with it presently, but I've got tons of tools to help me overcome it. (Oh, by the way, if you've been reading this since the prologue, this is kind of like the epilogue but not really since I'm only twenty and I've got a way to go till I die (God willing)...anyway just know that this is the last chapter of my "book" or "series" or whatever you want to call it. I decided not to bother titling it by a chapter or "Epilogue") It took me a couple years, but I started feeling happy again and prayer became easier. Even with me feeling better, I was still confused about why I entered the convent and left. Despite this confusion, I was ready to take a new step--to go to a different form of life: College life! I never thought I'd end up at Central Michigan University (CMU). My twin sister, a student at CMU, had invited me to a church retreat at CMU in 2015. After this retreat, visiting my sister at her college several times, and talking it over with Jesus and my parents, I decided to attend CMU in the fall of 2016. Happiness! Guys, I'm so happy I'm at college and at CMU. I love the people and I love the campus and I love the classes. There is a Catholic church right smack in the middle of the campus, so Jesus is always present! I'm now in my sophomore year and I'm pretty set on studying English and Religion. I'll get more in depth on different college experiences in later posts, but before I wrap up this "book", I want to share with you an amazing discovery that has brought me indescribable joy. Mind = Blown So, last year (my freshman year), there was a night that I listened to the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift (See Chapters 3 and 4 for more information on how that song played in my personal journey ). This song usually made me really sad and full of longing. This was the song that Jesus played to "propose" to me. It was how I knew I was to enter the convent and be His bride (nuns are called "brides of Christ" since they give up marriage to a man to devote themselves to God). Now as I listened to the song, I was confused that upon entering the convent, I was diagnosed with all of that mental illness stuff. I wondered, If I was supposed to "marry" Jesus, then why wasn't I still at the convent, preparing to become a nun? Was I just imagining that God wanted me to be totally His? Did He never propose in the first place? Did He reject me as His bride (See previous chapters on the blog for more information on past events)? As I listened to "Love Story" this particular night at college, it didn't fill me with my usual hurt and confusion and longing. Instead, almost no feelings aroused at all when listening to the song. The lyrics seemed so superficial. It was about Juliet just waiting her days away for Romeo to marry her. That's what I had been doing: waiting and waiting for Jesus to sweep me in His arms and for us to live happily ever after. I thought that becoming a nun was how this would happen. Yet, as I listened to "Love Story" that night, I wondered why this song no longer touched me. I realized that this was because God’s love is so much more than the "love story" I had always envisioned. God’s love story includes a cross. A cross in which Jesus poured out His most precious blood upon us in the ultimate act of love. And Jesus was asking me to partake in that. It didn’t include pretty dresses and jewels. It included sacrifice, pain, and trial. It didn’t include me waiting and waiting for my prince to come. It included action and participation on my part. Oh, I am in love! It’s not the type of love I originally thought. Not the love of the movies and the fairy tales. It’s more. So much more! I get to partake in the exchange of love between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Actively! Right now. Every time I receive Holy Communion, the Lord touches my lips and enters into my very being. This Lord Who loves me and pours Himself—naked and bare and vulnerable—He pours Himself out to me. I don’t need to wait for God to marry me. I don’t need to wait for Mr. Right to walk into my life. I don’t even need to wait for heaven. I get to have it all now. It’s all there in the Eucharist. The Trinitarian God offering Himself to me, and I am invited to return that love—to partake fully in it. Jesus said, “The kingdom of heaven is at hand" (Matthew 10:7, Mark 1:15, Luke 10:9), He didn’t say, “The kingdom of heaven is at the end of the world. The kingdom of heaven is when you die.” “The kingdom of heaven is when you get married.” “The kingdom of heaven is when you take religious vows or become ordained a priest.” No. People, the kingdom of heaven is here and now! HERE AND NOW! My Prince is already here. Constantly, I come to Him, broken. Constantly He rescues me. He gives Himself totally to me, and I get to give myself totally in return. This is the marriage covenant! The dream—the vision—the love story! My destination of heaven begins now. My union with God is now. Sorry--I can't say it enough! Now. Now. Now. St. Therese of Lisieux hits the nail when she says, “my vocation is love.” Priest, nun, married, single…yeah, that’s a discernment process and a journey, but we have an underlying vocation. The other vocations are just expressions of the deeper vocation. A vocation each of us is called to. Love! And we don’t need to wait for God to reveal it to us. We don’t need to discern if we’re called to love. We know we are. Jesus told us so. We’re called to the greatest love, for “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13) That’s what Jesus did for us, and that’s what we’re called to do daily. Those years ago, when I was in high school, and Jesus asked me to marry Him--I thought that meant I had to be a nun. Now, I see that every person is called to marry Jesus. I don't need to be a nun to be totally God's. I don't need to be a nun to be a saint. No more saying, "I will marry Jesus." I am married to Jesus! People, I'm married to Jesus, and I am a single, Catholic, college student! Hmmm....I think I'm in heaven..oh wait--that's because I am!!!!
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AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
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