Well, it is Good Friday, 2020. As usual on days of fasting, I feel exhausted and hungry and its only the morning!
I usually think that I have to do, do, do, and do on Good Friday. Like pray every prayer and do every possible penance. I usually dread it, to be totally honest. But this morning, the Lord put on my heart that today is a day to receive. See, all of Lent, and especially toady, we Christians give up all sorts of stuff. For me, I feel depleted and empty. But in my hunger and weakness, God has revealed that He gets to fill me up on this day. Jesus died on the cross, not so that I would suffer, but so that I would be filled up with His Body and Blood. Of course, it is all spiritual over literal this year due to the virus, but I believe today in my prayer and fasting, I don't have to try so hard. Instead I get to receive the goodness of God. This day of prayer and fasting puts me in the perfect disposition to be filled up with grace and spiritual food. I get to let go and let God, who lays down His life for me.
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I just want to give a shout out to my mom, Sharon. With all the chaos going on with the coronavirus, she has been acting like a true mother as our Mother Mary is a true mother. This past Sunday, my mom gathered the family together to discuss a plan for our family during this worldwide crisis. It obviously included that my sisters and I will be taking our classes online, like most students. But my mom is taking things a step further: to make sure we don't become couch potatoes. That means family puzzles, a family rosary, and family "writing time" since all of her daughters are writers. But my mom isn't just thinking of those within her immediate family. She has been crazy busy calling our neighbors, grandparents, and the elderly we know to ensure that they have their necessary supplies such as food and toilet paper. She has been cooking her Chicken Quinoa Chile and sending containers of it to friends and neighbors. Since we can't visit the elderly and sick with the contagious virus, she also encourages us daughters to write letters to them instead. This makes me think about everyone's mother, Mary. I think of what Mary of Nazareth would do if the coronavirus came to Nazareth (I know it takes some imagination). I imagine Mary would be checking up on the neighbors and ensuring her son Jesus and husband Joseph remain a strong, prayer-united family. Of course, we must all be careful and cautious when assisting others, so as not to spread the virus. But I believe my mom's phone calls, letter writing, prayers, and shopping supplies for others is a fantastic way to do what the Blessed Virgin Mary would do in her little home in Nazareth. Happy Lent! We are dust and to dust we shall return! If only my ego realized that I am dust and that God is the wonder-maker. God, in His goodness, has given me some opportunities to practice humility. It is so hard and very challenging. For example, I'm taking Elementary Hebrew at Wayne State University. There are five people in my class, and frankly, I am the worst at Hebrew. At least two of my classmates are close to fluent in Hebrew and the others have been introduced to Hebrew with their Jewish background. During class, I struggle like crazy! And I'm embarrassed that I struggle. I feel humiliated that my classmates are speaking Hebrew like pros, and that when it is my turn, I can't form a sentence. Now, it makes sense that I am "behind" in learning the language, and I could give a whole list of other excuses as to why that class is so hard. But, what I am focusing on, is humility. God is giving me the opportunity to accept my situation with a smile. Every Hebrew class, when I mess up or am incorrect, or feel embarrassed, I give it to my Creator. It is He who gives and He who takes away. Praise God that he has given me such a challenge. If Hebrew was not a humiliating challenge, my ego would be crazy high. So, during this winter semester, I get to practice the virtue of humility. Not beating myself up that I'm not fluent in Hebrew. Not jealously wishing I was at the same level as my peers. But accepting where I am at. Another example is for work this summer. I am working for my dad's business, Mosquito Joe. To be a technician, I need to pass two exams. I took both exams last week and I failed. I get to retake them next week, but I just felt so humiliated and frustrated that I did not succeed. I thought I was prepared and studied well. All of these other people pass their exams on the first try. Why couldn't I? This is another opportunity for me to embrace humility. Not to go into despair or beat myself up, but to accept that I failed and remind myself I am not God. I am fully human and humans aren't great at every single thing. Are you learning something new at work? Do those around you seem to be "smarter" or "better" than you at a task? Are you going through a challenge? Are you embarrassed about something you did or said? Use it as an opportunity to go from humiliation, despair, and discouragement to be humble, happy during trials, and to be totally dependent on God. Shalom! I went to Confession the other day. I was face to face with the priest. After I confessed my sins and the priest noted that I was tall, he started to tell me about the spirituality of being tall. I was surprised. I knew that I was 6feet, 1inch, but I didn't know there could be a whole spirituality behind that. I'll admit, sometimes I wish I wasn't tall because I feel like it causes people to look at me. I stand out in a crowd. Quite literally. I also used to worry that there were not enough tall guys out there for me. I also felt anxious when people asked me if I play basketball because, quite honestly, I don't even like basketball, let alone play it. But this priest brought up the idea that God made me tall for a reason. It makes sense. I know that God created every part of me and planned each characteristic. Why wouldn't that include being tall? Okay...so what is this spirituality? The priest said that when a person goes out to buy or cut a rose, he/she chooses the long stem. He said that the choicest fruits and most beautiful blossoms are at the very top of the tree. I also was once told to be like a sunflower; to stand tall and face the Son. Pondering all of these things, I realize that standing out doesn't need to be embarrassing. In fact, I can use it as my spirituality to "stand out" for Jesus Christ. If I stand out, then should I not point to heaven? If people look at me, should I not, then, reflect Christ Jesus? In little ways, I get to help short people at the grocery store reach the top shelf. I get to set a visible example of how to live for God. I can easily act "motherly" to all people as the Virgin Mary is mother to us all. What about you? Are you short? Use your littleness for a childlike spirituality. What is your name? Use the meaning of your name to discover your identity. Are you funny? Use your humor to lift spirits. Are you timid? Use your gentleness to include the lonely. Do you like food? Evangelize over a meal. Do you tend to take the lead? Lead others to Christ. Look at your characteristics and see how you can glorify God with them. Use them to discover a whole spirituality that God has gifted to you. You know how you bring your boyfriend home for the holidays to introduce him to the family? Or you take your girlfriend with you to family parties like Thanksgiving and Christmas? Or even a friend who is out of state. She might come home with you over break and you introduce her to your family. Well, I think we should do the same thing with Jesus. When I receive Jesus at Mass in Holy Communion, He comes with me wherever I go. He will be with me at Thanksgiving tomorrow. He will be by my side at Christmas. But what I tend to do is not acknowledge Jesus when he comes with me to parties. I tend to not introduce anyone to Him because they cannot see or tangibly touch Him. Today, I went to Holy Mass and as I received the Eucharistic Jesus, I felt Him ask me to take Him with me to my family. I think of it as Jesus and I are "dating," and the polite thing to do when my boyfriend comes with me to holiday celebrations is to introduce the whole family to Him. Of course, this is not in the easy way I would literally introduce my totally human boyfriend. It is a different type of introduction. It is acknowledging that I spent time with Jesus today in prayer. It is openly being thankful for seeing Jesus in the person I am speaking to. It is mentioning in natural conversation that I am in love with my God. It is inviting family and friends to Jesus' house on Sunday--to church. I'm so not perfect at this. It is so easy for me to just shut my mouth and act as if Jesus is not inside of me. It is so much simpler to relax and not worry about making Jesus comfortable and known among my family. But I know Jesus as a real person and I believe in His Real Presence. So, please join me this holiday season! Let's bring Jesus home for the holidays. Let's introduce him to our friends and families the way we would with any other person. As typical for me, my life path took another turn. This fall, I transferred colleges. I am officially a Warrior at Wayne State University but the CMU Chippewas still hold a special place in my heart. The cool thing is that I am now a Near Eastern Studies major! That means I get to focus on the Middle East! I am also minoring in Israeli Studies and Creative Writing. I really like the fit. My Hebrew class is my favorite but it is also the hardest, which makes sense because I'm learning a whole new language from scratch! I also like the campus at Wayne State and the diversity of people and religions. I'm enrolled full-time (13 credits) and am taking school very seriously as my full-time "job." I want to give a word of encouragement to other college students and young adults out there. We are at a point in our lives where we have so many choices about what we can be. I look at myself and see this path:
And I am just 22 (almost 23) years old! My point is that wherever you are in life, things can change and that is OK! God is never changing, and at each crossroad in our life, whether planned or unplanned, we find the same God, but perhaps get to know Him in a different way. And in doing so, we find ourselves. Maybe there will be 50 more turns in my life path after this #10 at Wayne State, but I am certain my last shift will be.... 60. Eternal Life and Home with my Daddy, best Friend, and Beloved. And the whole CHURCH!!!!! Scripture says that: “a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10 Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. To put in my effort to prevent suicides, I am sharing a letter that I wrote during my own period of suicidal thoughts and ideation.
Beloved, Peace of Jesus Christ. I must tell you of the inspiration for this series of letters. See, I am currently in an episode of suicidal ideation. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. With this triple diagnosis, you may see why I am so likely to have suicidal thoughts. Dearly Beloved, I was just on the floor of my room. I was having a mental breakdown fighting temptations to end my life, that is, end my pain. I begged my guardian angel to assist me. I needed to take a shower, so I asked my angel to help me to the shower. My angel did help me, and while in the shower, my mind raged with thoughts of death and violence. My temptations were unbearable. In that moment, I said to Jesus, “Glory to You! Glory to You!” I cried to Him. I know He knows that I cannot control the flood of thoughts and desires. “You say that when I am weak, then I am strong, because of You. So be it, I am weak! Take this weakness and use it for Your glory! Take it and make this new and good.” As a passionate writer, it was easy for me to see what was Jesus was asking of me. See, I have a long history of suicidal ideation as well as self-harm. I have always wondered what is the key for a Catholic who has mental illness. I have asked God, why and how can a Catholic have suicidal thoughts and intense depression and anxiety. Is it not contradictory to love the Lord with all that I am and at the same time, long to end my life? Was it not Jesus who said to not worry? What is the secret? I wondered. For if I believe that God is good and makes all ills of the world good, then should I not see the good that comes from my mental illness? Dare I even say, my desire to kill myself? I thought I needed to wait for me to have a decade of sound health to find the secret. I thought that it would be a long process of prayer and wondering—theological searching and even private revelation. But, in that moment in the shower, when I glorified God in my utter weakness, the secret opened its lock. I realized, Beloved, that you are the reason I am alive. With Christ as my purpose and foundation, I pray that I imitate Jesus and His Blessed Mother in serving you. Get ready, Beloved. You, who knows suffering. Get ready, my dear one, whose pains and burdens are unbearable. Sit back and watch your Maker heal your wounds and conquer the forces that seek to end your life. As you have suicidal thoughts, I do as well. Stay with me Beloved, and I will stay with you as well. We are in this together. We are in this with God. God is good. May He be praised, now and forever. Your sister, Jacqueline I know there are some grammatical mistakes, but I wanted to show you the original letter. Living for "Beloved," (you), is what has saved me from suicide numerous times. I truly believe that living for the sake of another is the best way to keep yourself alive. I also believe in medication, therapy, hospitalization, and crying out for help. Writing letters to "Beloved" is a great coping skill for me. If you suffer from suicidal thoughts and urges, I ask that you live for me as I live for you. Your job right now is to live for the sake of others, while God gives you the grace. I also ask that you ask for help. Others, help Beloved get help! Check out my Mental Illness page for a start on resources. There has been a lot of wedding imagery in the liturgy lately.
Last Thursday was the feast of the Passion of John the Baptist. I was praying my evening prayer that day--the Liturgy of the Hours--and I saw this really cool "Responsory." It reads: The friend of the bridegroom rejoices, upon hearing the bridegroom's voice. --The friend of the bridegroom rejoices, upon hearing the bridegroom's voice. Now my joy is complete, --upon hearing the bridegroom's voice. (August 29; Evening Prayer. Christian Prayer: The Liturgy of the Hours Catholic Book Publishing Corp. New York, 1976. pg. 1242 *sorry for my unprofessional citation*) So, John the Baptist saw himself as a groomsman--a friend of the bridegroom (John 3:29-30). He saw Jesus as the bridegroom, the one the people of Israel were waiting for. Now, in Jesus' time, the job of the groomsmen was to announce the arrival of the bridegroom. Seriously, groomsmen showed up outside of the bride's house and shouted and blew a shofar to alert the bride that her bridegroom was there. Now, last Friday, the Gospel passage for the day was about the wise and foolish virgins (also known as the wise and foolish bridesmaids or maidens). When the bridegroom arrived, five of the bridesmaids were ready with their oil lamps lit while the other five were foolish and had to go back and buy more oil--thus missing the wedding banquet altogether (Matthew 25:1-13). And then, yesterday, for Sunday Mass, the Gospel was Jesus' parable about taking seats of honor at a wedding feast. He said it is better to take a humble seat as opposed to the most honorable seat because the humble can always "bump up" in status (Luke 14:8-14). With all of this wedding stuff, I am thinking of my twin sister, Callie, who is getting married in January 2020. She is the bride and I am one of the bridesmaids. I think of how John the Baptist called himself a groomsman. If he gets to be a groomsman of the Christ, then I think I can be a bridesmaid of the Church! John knew that he wasn't the groom himself. He knew Jesus was. And, as typical for a wedding, the groom is the one who increases, as the friend of the groom--or groomsman--decreases (John 3:30). The groomsman elevates the groom and announces his presence and honor to the bride and her relatives. What a cool spiritual reflection and metaphor for us! Using my dear sister Callie as the object of this metaphor, Callie is like the Church. Scripture is packed with wedding imagery, depicting Christ as the bridegroom and the Church as the bride. That's why consecrated life is so cool! Nuns and consecrated virgins act as the Church, as they marry Jesus Christ, the heavenly Bridegroom. In Jesus' time, the bridesmaids helped the bride get ready for the wedding and attended to her. Even in our modern-day, I, as a bridesmaid goes wedding dress shopping with Callie, puts in my opinion and helps with service plans, plans the bridal shower, plans the bachelorette party, and at the wedding, I am her attendant who stands up with her. Now, thinking of the bigger picture, as a bridesmaid of the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church, I am the Church's attendant! As the Church prepares for Her meeting with Christ at the end of the age, it is my duty to tend to Her needs. Now is the time for me to adorn Her with virtues. Now is the time for me to assist her--be it helping one of her members walk after a surgery or listening to and helping a member when she is in distress. John the Baptist has announced that Jesus is here! Bridesmaids, let us prepare the Bride and present Her pure and holy to Her groom! Let's think of some stereotypes for "old people." They are slow, smelly, like bingo, talk too much, are cranky, and are not the prettiest to look at.
Well, I am writing today to say that I love old people. I like my elders. They are precious members of our Church and precious members of our world. This week, I went to a nursing home with my Grandma to help lead a rosary. Now, this is all just my experience, but I think it rings true for others: Old people make me feel great about myself. They are quick to compliment, easily impressed, and tell me how beautiful I am. They are gift-givers. It's not so much that they are nit-picky about say, setting a table for dinner; it is that they care deeply for the importance of their task. I think of how reverently and slowly my elders prayed the rosary this week. I think of how excited they get when a visitor comes. I think of how they love young people because they love youthful smiles, energy, dreams, and talents. Elders are slow--it's true. But perhaps it is we young people who are moving too fast. Perhaps it is the elderly who are closer to God's time. They may put all of their efforts into eating one meal or going to the grocery store, but in this, they are living the "Little Way" of St. Therese. They are not doing big, extravagant acts of holiness, but are offering themselves to God even in the slow rhythm of their daily lives. And here is another thing I want to say: The elderly love you! They are praying for you. They are watching you grow. They see great beauty in you. They love your attention and ear to listen. They love a soft touch on the shoulder or a warm clutch of a hand. I have a friend who thinks old people are cute, and I have to agree! They are easily pleased and love to be loved. The elderly are a part of our Church. Let us not forget them. Let us be attentive to them and see the face of Christ in them. Is it hard for you to go to Mass on Sunday? Is it hard for you to go to Mass on any day? Is it boring and long? Is it uncomfortable and unpleasant? Are parts of it annoying and redundant? Are the readings weird or is the music off pitch? Of course, Holy Mass is the most miraculous, wondrous, and extraordinary connection we people on earth have with heaven. It is where we commune with the entire Body of Christ and receive the very Body and Blood of Christ. It is where we are nourished and sustained. Let's be honest, though. Mass does not always feel like I'm having the time of my life. And I betcha, you feel similarly. So, let's look at eight different perspectives to look at Holy Mass. Each perspective can give us a new meditation and contemplation to further invest in the Mass. Jesus spoke in parables--stories that taught real life lessons. It makes sense, then, for us to look at Mass in different "ways" so that we can understand the real truth behind each perspective. 1. The Courtyard of Heaven Looking at Mass as us being in the courtyard of heaven comes from my high school Religion teacher. She explained to us that Mass is where heaven meets earth. And we on earth, meet heaven. And we are super close to the kingdom of heaven--so close, that we are in heaven's very courtyard, just outside of the gates. 2. The Great Hospital We are all sick in some way or form. It could be mental or physical. As humans, we are all sick from our sin. But Jesus came to redeem us from original sin. Mass is where we sinners go encounter God Himself in Word and Eucharist. As we listen to the scriptures, pray the responses, sing the songs, focus on thanksgiving, recall the Last Supper, petition the Father, watch the consecration in remembrance of His passion, and then receive Jesus, we receive healing. Mass is like a hospital where the Divine Physician tends to us. 3. The Battle Camp There is a reason why so many of us like The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. If you haven't seen the movie, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, I suggest you do. There is a this great, captivating battle scene in it. Life is a battle. There is a whole spiritual realm that we often don't think of. Mass is the place to pay attention to the spiritual. We acknowledge the presence of angels and demons; we call Jesus our Savior and Redeemer because he won the war against sin and death. Though the war is won, we still fight battles, and Mass is where we train ourselves, unite with others, call upon the saints and angels to assist us, and receive all that we need to win our daily battles against sin, and our ultimate battle to get to heaven. 4. The Wedding Mass is a great wedding ceremony. Read Revelation, "Come here. I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb" (Rev 21:9). We, the Church are the Bride of Christ. Jesus is the Bridegroom. Mass is packed with wedding imagery from walking down the aisle to receive the Eucharist to becoming "one flesh" with Jesus Himself when we receive His Body and Blood. Weddings are beautiful. If we see Mass as a wedding, we will also see the great beauty of heavenly marriage to Christ the King. 5. The Family Reunion Mass is where we meet with more than just our immediate family and more than our extended family. We meet with the entire Body of Christ. We meet with all those who come to the Mass at the church we attend and are also united to the people at Mass in all the churches in the world. Not to mention, all of heaven--which means that we get to be with the saints and angels, and all of our deceased relatives and friends. This is when I unite with my deceased grandparents and my little brother who was miscarried. I also get to unite with my favorite saints like St. Clare of Assisi. 6. The Audience with the King Just think about it! It would be super cool to meet Queen Elizabeth II of England. It would also be cool to meet the president of a country (depending on who and your views). It would be cool to meet Pope Francis. Imagine having an hour long audience with one of those "powerful" people. At Mass, we get an hour long audience with the King of kings. Our Father in Heaven is all ears for us! And we get to be all ears for him! This is a weekly (and even daily) opportunity I don't want to miss! 7. The Travel Around the World I hope to go to World Youth Day someday and be totally surrounded by people from all around the planet. Yet, whenever I go to Mass, I am totally surrounded by people from around the planet. Mass is said in union with all of the Masses said through out the world! So, at Mass, I am joining all of those in Portugal, Australia, and India because God is totally outside of time and space! I want to travel to Ireland and Italy, and it's cool to think that in Michigan, I'm united with the Masses happening at the Vatican in Italy and at Our Lady of Knock in Ireland! 8. The Birthday Celebration Mass is a party! We remember our birth into the Christian faith at our Baptism. We celebrate and sing and move up and down and greet one another. We walk up to embrace Jesus. We respond with praises. Alleluia. Alleluia. At Mass, we get to look at the suffering of Christ on the cross. But the cross is pointless if it doesn't end in life! And I'm talking eternal life. At Mass, we celebrate the current life we have and we look forward to being born into life everlasting! |
AuthorJacqueline St. Clare: I spent six months in a cloistered convent, and now I'm a college student! Archives
April 2021
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Unexpected Church MembersAll words that are underlined can be found on the "Glossary" page
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